Emotional Breakthrough

One of the things that is the most difficult to understand about autism is how emotions are processed.  As an outsider it could sometimes seems as if there is a lack of emotion in Aubrey.  I like to think she just processes emotions differently or has emotions about different things.  She does not get overly excited to see a friend from school but she smiles from ear to ear if she thinks she can ride on a tractor.  She does not cry if she falls down but acts as if she is physically pained if I take her iPad away.  Real sadness is not something that I see from her often.  There have been two occasions that I really had to sit her down and talk to her about being sad.  The first time was when Seth moved to North Dakota two months before she and I did.  She missed him so much and it was so difficult to watch her looking for him.  Back then, she did not have a communication device so there was no conversation between the two of us.  I just simply had to reassure her that she would see him again and that he loved her very much.  I would only know for sure that she was thinking about him because she would come into our room, lay on his pillow and cry.  It was absolutely heart wrenching but, of course, they were soon reunited again. 

The second time that I really saw raw emotion come from her was when I miscarried a few months ago.  There had been so much excitement about the new baby.  Aubrey had learned that the baby was in my belly and would touch it when asked about the baby.  She had told her entire class that she was going to have a S-I-S-T-E-R.  We had discussed where the baby would sleep and how other things might be a little different around the house. There was no doubt that she was understanding what was going on and she was happy about it! Then, almost halfway through the pregnancy, the news came that there would not be a baby.  Mommy had to spend the night away from home and Grandma Jeanie was the first person to explain to her what was going on.  She was so sad.  She cried and wanted Grandma to comfort her.  For most children, this would be a normal reaction.  For Aubrey this was a breakthrough.  The only thing she had ever been visibly sad about was not seeing her father, the most adored man in her life, for two months.  This time she was sad about something that she had never seen.  She had no way of knowing what life would actually be like with a baby, but she was sad that now there would be no baby.  The night I got home from the hospital I tried to talk to her about it.  She just rolled her eyes at me, as if she already knew this news and did not need to hear it again.  Later that night, as I put her to bed, she started crying.  When I asked her why she was crying she said "B-A-B-Y."  The following days she adjusted and has not mentioned it to me again.  From time to time I see her watching the Dora episode where Dora's brother and sister are born or the Daniel Tiger where his mom has a baby.  I wonder if she is thinking about what happened or if she has questions that she wants to ask.  I might never know what she is really thinking but I do know that one day I will have that B-A-B-Y that we were all looking so forward to.