Roles Within the Family

When Seth and I were first married with a new baby, our roles within the family were basically the same. We were both pretty clueless about what to do with a baby, both sleep deprived and both constantly worried about money and working as much as possible. 

Over the years though, our roles have evolved and we have each taken different responsibilities. In the beginning of Aubrey's journey, I would often think wonder if our marriage would survive. I had seen all of the terrible statistics on marriage failure when the couple had a child with special needs. I won't lie, it hasn't always been easy. We have definitely had our share of growing pains. Over the past year I have thought a lot about what role each of us play in our family. I know a lot of people who think everything should be equal in a marriage. You both work. You both help with the kids. You take turns going out. For us, this is just not the way it is. When we moved to ND I knew my role and contributions would forever be different. I was comfortable with the transition from splitting all task as evenly as possible, to each having different roles that we basically take full responsibility for. I would take the primary role of overseeing Aubrey's day to day activities and caring for our home and Seth would be responsible for our financial security. This might seem like I fell back into the 1950s to some but, I think it's different because back then those roles were never chosen. We decided, together, that this would be best for our family. The one thing that we do still split evenly is yard work. It did take time to settle into our new roles and we did have to discuss things often. Once we both had a clear understanding of what the other expected though, it has been smooth sailing. I don't complain about doing laundry constantly and Seth doesn't think it's unfair when I'm off two weeks at Christmas because Aubrey is out of school. It has been so helpful for both of us to understand how we can best contribute to our family and to ensure Aubrey's happiness. It takes so much stress out of a marriage when you both can decide what role you want to have, how you can compliment each other's role and how you can take all of the guess work out of what to expect form each other. We are two people who have committed our lives to raising a happy child, who we want to see be successful at life, whatever role that may be require us to take. 

True Friends

Coming home to Mississippi is sometimes one of the hardest things I do every year. It throws Aubrey out of her comfort zone, I have to explain her differences over and over and over again and then just about the time we are getting comfortable, it's time to leave. 

One thing that I very much look forward to while I'm here though is seeing my old friends. I went to a small school my entire life and had the same friends my whole life. Of course, over the years, the number of friends who still make time to see me when I'm home has dwindled, but that just makes our time together even more special. I feel like I can actually relax in the presence of my real friends. It's no secret that I have had a difficult time figuring out where I fit in our new community in North Dakota. I'm typically referred to as "Seth's wife" "Ray and Jean's daughter-in-law" or "Aubrey's mom". I have yet to find my real identity in a social setting there. I'm sure that one day I will just naturally fall into a circle of friends that I feel comfortable with, but that's not the case just yet. 

I would encourage people to make more time for their friends because those relationships can be the difference maker in someone's life. Parents who have children who are special needs need to find some sort of normalcy in their own life. My life is hectic and sometimes stressful and I very much enjoy the time that I can sit down and discuss things that don't really matter at all. It's those conversations that make me feel like regular person and someone who has her own identity under the special needs mom cape that I wear everyday. 

Do you think she is spoiled?

Today someone called Aubrey spoiled.  Now, I do not think this was meant to be hurtful but it did make me think about how other people view Aubrey's behavior.  Do I think she is spoiled? Yes, of course she is to some degree.  Aubrey is an only child who has her mother with her almost every minute of the day. Seth and I have done well financially and Aubrey has been given many extra things in life.  I think any child in that situation, special needs or not, would come to except certain things in life.  Aubrey expects to be able to have her iPad when she is not doing anything else.  She knows that she does not get to have it if she is at school, taking a walk, doing speech exercises at home, riding a horse, swimming, or doing any other mentally stimuating activity.  I have seen so much negative information about how it affects her brain or social interation. Being non verbal at six years old must be very frustrating for her.  She does not know how to have a full conversation with her communication device nor she does not have the patience to type out an entire conversation.  Her iPad is a way for her to avoid extensive interation with new people.  It diverts the attention away from her inability to speak like the rest of us are doing. She is able to constantly keep her mind stimulated with it and she knows and loves the characters in the shows that she watches.  I know that if I could not speak to anyone, I would not want to sit in a room full of people talking and listen to them talk, especially if I was a child and didn't understand what the adults were usually talking about. Take time to consider what your life would be like if you could not speak. If you want to judge the decisions I make as a parent, that is understandable. However, take time put yourself into Aubrey's situation before you judge her actions.

4 hour flight or 24 hour drive

A few days ago Aubrey and I started the long road trip to come back to my hometown of Holly Springs, Ms. It took us a full two days of driving with an overnight stay in Omaha, NE. It may seem like an insane take a road trip that will take over 24 hours with Aubrey but to me it's the easiest way to travel. Being alone in an airport with Aubrey has been one of the worst experiences I have ever had. It is always complete chaos. I need to have so many things to travel with her, diapers, wipes, bibs, iPads, and a change of clothes. It's almost the same as when she was an infant except now she weighs 55 lbs and still wants me to carry her. No thank you, I'll drive. When we drive, I can stop when I think she needs a break, we can sing silly songs really loudly, I don't have to worry about her hitting or biting anyone if they talk to her, I can pack a ton of food for her to eat whenever she likes and she does not have to be told to turn off all electronic devices, even the one that is her primary source or communication. She can just sit back and relax for two days. And that is exactly what she did. We did not run into any hiccups until we got into Arkansas and the cleanliness of the restrooms we were stopping at became an issue. Aubrey needs to touch things that are new to her and sometimes her preferred method of touch is with her mouth. She just prefers the oral sensory to touching with her hands. I am constantly saying, "No mouth please" or "Please do not lick that." It's usually not a huge issue because it will be something like the rough feel of concrete or mud or sand that she wants to feel. The bathrooms in Arkansas were something that actually made me put my hand over her mouth. She wanted to lay on the floors because the paint was peeling up and she needed to know how that felt. I had to basically bathe her with baby wipes when we got back in the car. We were definitely out of our bubble and it was uncomfortable. I will change our route home to stay closer to large cities and stay out of places that do not value customer satisfaction. We did make it home without incident and are visiting with family for the next few weeks.

IEPs

The question that I have been asked the most since writing this blog is "What is an IEP?"  An IEP is an Individual Education Plan. I'll explain what it means to our family. An IEP meeting is a meeting we have once a year, before the school year starts, with Aubrey's entire team to come up with goals and strageties for the year. For example, the occupational therapist may have a goal of Aubrey picking up a spoon and feeding herself by the end of the year. The strategy would be to have Aubrey use a spoon every day at lunch and require her to ask for assistance, using her iPad, if she needs it. Aubrey's team includes, myself, Seth, her classroom teacher, her paraprofessional, speech therapist, physical therapist, behavioral specialist, special education coordinator, physical education teacher, music teacher and the school principal. We all assemble to discuss the goals and strategies for the year. Each therapist usually has 3-6 goals they want to see achieved. We discuss things like how many minutes of speech therapy should she should have a week, how often should she be given breaks during the day, if she should go to lunch with the entire class, how to handle potty training at school, is music class having a positive or negative effect on her day, etc. 

In talking with other moms and from what I see on Pinterest and Instragram, IEP meeting can be an extremely stressful experience. Although they are indeed very long meetings, sometimes almost three hours, I don't mind them at all. It's the time that I get to ask all of the questions I have come up with since the end of the year and where I get to hear all of the great ideas everyone has for the year. I usually have many topics to discuss and am lucky enough that everyone listens and gives me feedback. Since Aubrey's IEP requires some modifications during the year, we have several of these meetings throughout the year where the entire team does not have to be present. I can honestly say that I have never walked out of one of those meetings and felt defeted or angry. There is usually only one area where I feel like there is a communication breakdown- this is a whole post that will come later - but other than that, I feel that Aubrey's entire team is on the same page and working toward the same goals.

For other parents who might be struggling or anxious about IEP meetings, I would say that there is nothing to stress about. You are your child's best advocate because you care about his/her success more than anyone else. So check those emotions at the door and get in there and be the strong advocate your child needs. Remember, this isn't about you, it's about the little boy or girls that depends on you. 

Summer School

Thursday will be the last day of summer school for Aubrey this year. This is the time that I really have to kick myself into overdrive. My fear is that she will lose some of the knowledge she has gained throughout the year. That she will get out of that routine that is so vital to her success. Last summer I prepared a learning room in our basement so that I have a place to take her during the day to work on various educational task. It's where we practice writing, coloring, painting, dressing magnetic dolls, etc. If I had it my way, the school would provide a program for her all summer but that is just not realistic. We will go on a vacation and then come home to a new schedule. Instead of rushing to school, because we are ALWAYS late, we will wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed and go downstairs. I like to have a goal in mind each morning for at least one thing I would like to see her accomplish for the day. Usually, it is more of a behavioral goal and not an academic one. Lengthening her attention span is usually something I want to work on. This summer, very basic concepts of math will be my main focus. Reading and spelling came so easily to her but math has been a struggle. I want to see her go into first grade with at least the very basic understanding of how you can add and subtract numbers. 

Wish us luck on our learning adventure! 

Emotional Breakthrough

One of the things that is the most difficult to understand about autism is how emotions are processed.  As an outsider it could sometimes seems as if there is a lack of emotion in Aubrey.  I like to think she just processes emotions differently or has emotions about different things.  She does not get overly excited to see a friend from school but she smiles from ear to ear if she thinks she can ride on a tractor.  She does not cry if she falls down but acts as if she is physically pained if I take her iPad away.  Real sadness is not something that I see from her often.  There have been two occasions that I really had to sit her down and talk to her about being sad.  The first time was when Seth moved to North Dakota two months before she and I did.  She missed him so much and it was so difficult to watch her looking for him.  Back then, she did not have a communication device so there was no conversation between the two of us.  I just simply had to reassure her that she would see him again and that he loved her very much.  I would only know for sure that she was thinking about him because she would come into our room, lay on his pillow and cry.  It was absolutely heart wrenching but, of course, they were soon reunited again. 

The second time that I really saw raw emotion come from her was when I miscarried a few months ago.  There had been so much excitement about the new baby.  Aubrey had learned that the baby was in my belly and would touch it when asked about the baby.  She had told her entire class that she was going to have a S-I-S-T-E-R.  We had discussed where the baby would sleep and how other things might be a little different around the house. There was no doubt that she was understanding what was going on and she was happy about it! Then, almost halfway through the pregnancy, the news came that there would not be a baby.  Mommy had to spend the night away from home and Grandma Jeanie was the first person to explain to her what was going on.  She was so sad.  She cried and wanted Grandma to comfort her.  For most children, this would be a normal reaction.  For Aubrey this was a breakthrough.  The only thing she had ever been visibly sad about was not seeing her father, the most adored man in her life, for two months.  This time she was sad about something that she had never seen.  She had no way of knowing what life would actually be like with a baby, but she was sad that now there would be no baby.  The night I got home from the hospital I tried to talk to her about it.  She just rolled her eyes at me, as if she already knew this news and did not need to hear it again.  Later that night, as I put her to bed, she started crying.  When I asked her why she was crying she said "B-A-B-Y."  The following days she adjusted and has not mentioned it to me again.  From time to time I see her watching the Dora episode where Dora's brother and sister are born or the Daniel Tiger where his mom has a baby.  I wonder if she is thinking about what happened or if she has questions that she wants to ask.  I might never know what she is really thinking but I do know that one day I will have that B-A-B-Y that we were all looking so forward to.        

B-E-D-T-I-M-E

Studies have shown that at least 83% of children who have autism have a sleeping disorder. Aubrey is definitely part of that 83%.  At one time this was a two part problem but it has been narrowed down to just one.  Until the past year I struggled with both getting Aubrey to go to fall asleep as well as her staying asleep.  Currently, she falls asleep with ease but staying asleep is still a nightly challenge.  Usually the second text I get from Seth in the morning is, "Did Aubrey wake up last night?".  3 am is her favorite middle of the night play time.  It is like she just cannot turn her brain off.  Even if she is exhausted enough to rest it for a few hours, if she somehow manages to wake her body up, the racing mind wins.  It seems to be a constant battle of body and brain.  I feel like I am always trying to physically exhaust her so that she can sleep all night.  A full day of school with after school activities did the trick most of the time this past year.  During the summer, she has to have at least four hours of outside play time for me to not listen for her all night.  Rainy days are the enemy! I have tried every trick in the book - melatonin, no sugar, lavender, sleeping in my bed, me sleeping in her bed, rocking her, leaving her in her room by herself, reading quietly, singing, etc. It seems as if there are just too many thoughts in her head and she cannot block them out.  Once she is up, it is very unusual for her to be able to fall back asleep until at least 10 am.  There are days that she just goes to school and sleeps for a few hours and of course that just throws everything off.  I am always open to suggestions of how to help her conquer a good night of rest.

Keeping a constant schedule is how I mastered the art of getting her to fall asleep.  Schedules are the key to so many successes in children with autism and the same has been true with Aubrey falling asleep at night.  Once she started kindergarten, her nightly homework was for us to read a book together and then I had to log it in her daily planner.  This was not only a great time to get some reading in, it was also a great activity to construct her nightly schedule around.  Reading a book is the last thing we do as she falls asleep. She has supper, a bath, gets dressed, climbs up in her bed and listens to me read. She knows what to expect every single night and there is no confusion about what she should do next. If I am running a little late with starting her nightly routine she will remind me that her day is coming to an end by spelling B-E-D-T-I-M-E over and over again on her iPad. Now, if I could get her to say that again as she's prying my eyelids open in the middle of the night.


http://treatautism.ca/2014/06/16/sleep-disorders-affect-83-of-children-diagnosed-with-autism/      

A Birthday Without Cake

Recently we celebrated Aubrey's 6th birthday. Her birthday has always been a little tricky for me to navigate. It really is a hard thing to explain to her. Today is the day you were born 6 years ago. A year is 365 days. Being born means that you came from mommy's belly. Because that happened, we are going to have a party. Having a party means that we will invite your friends to play. It doesn't mean that every time your friends come, it's a party though. We will have cake and ice cream but it's not always your birthday when we have cake and ice cream. Everyone will buy you a gift. Gifts are things that one person gives to another person. You open gifts in front of everyone so they can see what you got. I can explain all of those things but there is no way for me to know if she actually understands or not. I get a blank stare and if I'm lucky, she will spell one of the words I have just uttered and she moves on with whatever she was previously doing. This is pretty much how it goes when I explain anything that isn't part of our daily activities.

This year I decided to throw the traditional idea of a kid's birthday out the window and to do it the way that made the most sense for Aubrey. Now, I think it's important for the other children in her class to have some sense of normalcy when it comes to what they expect with a birthday party. These are the same kids that she will basically be spending the next 13 years with so I want them be as accepting as possible and sometimes that takes a little extra work on my part. I came up with a two part plan.  First, we would host the End of Year celebration for the entire grade. That way all of the kids could have cake and ice cream and treats and all of the "extra" stuff that comes along with a birthday party. Aubrey wouldn't have to be the center of attention but they still associated the party with her because she sent out the invitations. Then, I would invite everyone to swim for her actual birthday which was only a month later. No cake, no opening gifts, no singing a song while Aubrey wonders what the heck is going on. Just all of her little buddies swimming around her. Of course I choose swimming because it's her favorite activity and she shines at it. It worked out wonderfully! It was the least stressful birthday party she has ever had! We will never go back to the crying while opening gifts and her trying to hide in a corner with her iPad because everyone is loud and overwhelming. It's her day so we will do it her way. 

A Girl and a Horse Named Mac

Update 7-17-18

I wanted to look back at this old post below and see how Aubrey has progressed in her riding, because she has been at it for just a little over 3 years now.  A few things have changed, we added an occupational therapist to the mix, but it is mostly the same.  Reading the old post honestly made me tear up a little.  I wrote that she had written "run" on her talker during the session.  Today she used the word "race" instead, but the intent was all the same.  Three years later and she still just wants the horse to go fast!  She is still riding Mac once a week during the summer.  This year and last year, she stopped once school started and moved back to the pool for physical therapy.  It just gets cold out and I don't think any of us want to ask too much of the adorable woman that lends her time and horse to Aubrey.  Aubrey understands Mac much better these days and does some trotting and leads him and helps take off his saddle once the session is complete.  This activity is still one that Aubrey seems to really enjoy and I hope I can look back in another three years and say that she is still loving it just as much.

7-9-2015

Today was horse riding day! This is quickly becoming Aubrey's second favorite therapy. I'm not exactly sure if we can call it Hippotherapy since we do not do it with a licensed Hippotherapist. Since we live in such a small town, that type specialist is just not available.  We just have a lady who lets us use her horse and indoor arena, a physical therapist, a physical therapy assistant and a little girl who giggles for 45 minutes straight. This is a new activity for Aubrey and today was only her 4th time riding. The plan was to start very slowly with getting Aubrey familiar with a horse and then work up to actually riding. That was out the window within the first 5 minutes of the first session. She petted the horse, learned his name, which is Mac, and was ready to ride. Within the next ten minutes she was typing R-U-N on her iPad. There was not an ounce of fear in her body. I've watched videos and read stories of how riding a horse was completely life changing to autistic children. I'm not expecting a miracle but I really think it's important to have Aubrey in as many constructive activities as possible. It gives meaning to her day and I am able to praise her for the progress she makes. It is another great bonding experience with her.

Today we worked on Aubrey putting plastic cones on top of a pole, throwing a ball into a bucket, and leaning down and opening, checking and closing a mailbox. The goal is for Aubrey to use her core and legs to stabilize herself at all times. Aubrey gets very bored with a task once she has mastered it so it is important for her team to constantly think of new ideas to challenge her. 

Seth was able to join us today which always makes it an even more special time. I want Aubrey to feel supported by everyone in her life and to know we are always there cheering her on!

Autism and Swimming

Today is Wednesday so that means it is pool time with the physical therapist and Aubrey.  Swimming is Aubrey's favorite activity in the world.  Being in a large body of water trumps everything else in life, even the iPad.  The sensory input from the water is the most invigorating activity she has ever experienced. 

Playing in a bath is not something Aubrey was able to experience until she was almost 2 1/2 years old because of her trach.  Once she was finally able to have some freedom in water, she immediately wanted to put her head under and hold her breath. It's one of the most interesting things I've have ever watched her do.  Holding her breath under water came so natural to her.  I assume it is because she was never taught to fear water.  She was never around a swimming pool or lake or anything simply because it was too risky with the trach.   

She started PT after we had been here for about 6 months. She had always had PT services in Las Vegas and I'm not sure why it was not immediately added to her IEP once she started school in North Dakota.  She was definitely still missing developmental milestones but it was completely being overlooked.  I finally called the PT department at the hospital myself and had an evaluation setup.  After the evaluation was completed, it was added to her IEP.  The therapist started with some land therapy but after trying aquatic therapy, there was no going back.  Aubrey was a completely different child in the water.  She moved and used muscles in a way that made it look like she had been swimming for years.  It was obvious that swimming was the ultimate experience for her.  I decided that I would take her to therapy after school once a week instead of cutting into her time in the classroom.  The school would still be covering the cost and it made the most sense to me. 

Today she worked on swimming into the current, placing rings over numbered sticks and catching a beach ball. I am always in the water with her and serve as her safety net because she cannot touch the bottom and needs assistance from one activity to the other.  Her physical therapist is, in my opinion, the best therapist she has working with her.  I can see that she really cares for Aubrey and wants to see her succeed. 

I think it's important to explore new activities in any type of therapy your child is involved in.  Aubrey would probably still be having trouble walking if we hadn't introduced her to aquatic therapy.

How did we get here

 Here's the story on how my life ended up where it is right now. 

I met Seth at a giant party in a park in Grand Forks, ND. At the time, I was in the Air Force and he was in college. We dated for two months before I deployed to the Middle East. It was my eighth deployment and I wanted it to be my last. I was so crazy about Seth and I felt like maybe he was "the one". While I was deployed, it became very clear to me that I was ready to grow up and settle down. I mean I was the ripe old age of 23 at that point so I clearly new exactly what I wanted in life, right? Well I thought I did so that's exactly what happened. The second I returned home, we started trying to get pregnant. Three weeks later, I had a positive EPT. Wow, that was easy! We got married in Las Vegas when I was 4 months along. I was due at the end of June and would be separating from the Air Force in July. We planned to move back to my hometown Mississippi. I wanted a natural birth and planned everything out with my three page birth plan. I was quite accustomed to everything going my way. Not that I was spoiled by my parents but simply because I had always worked hard to make sure things went the way I wanted. I couldn't imagine having a baby would be any different. Reality gave me a big slap in the face at 2:09 am on June 27. My daughter Aubrey was born and her condition was spiraling out of control. She aspirated her meconium, her right lung popped, she needed to be on a ventilator, her blood pressure was unstable.  The list went on and on. What the fuck just happened?!?!! This was not part of the plan! She was in the NICU for 3 days before I got to hold her. Three days with out being able to to hold your newborn baby is basically an eternity. She remained in the NICU for 14 days before we brought her home. I was fortunate enough to be able to stay in the hospital with her the entire two weeks. Bringing her home was so intimidating. By that time, all of our family had returned home and there I was, alone with a new born baby. I had no idea what to do. Seth was working all of the time and just finishing school. I felt like the most unprepared person in the world. When Aubrey was 6 weeks old, we moved to Mississippi. I thought it was important to be close to my family. During the next few months, she was in and out of the hospital. I felt like my life was a giant revolving door of hospital beds, exhaustion, drama with my family, and never having enough money. It was during those months that we learned Aubrey had a chromosome deletion, 16p11.2. The geneticist didn't give us much information and I was just too concerned with her other health issues to worry about it. Aubrey had to have a tracheotomy and that was definitely the most pressing issue. She came home from the hospital with a trach. She was so resilient but in my heart I knew there was something bigger brewing. I knew the lack of resources in Mississippi was going to be a problem and my family didn't turn out to be as helpful as I had hoped. I received a job offer from a company in Las Vegas and I didn't think about it for more than 30 seconds before I accepted it. We had been in Mississippi for 9 months and I knew it was not the place for us. Seth was working for FedEx at the time and it was easy enough for him to transfer locations. Moving to Las Vegas was almost too easy. We were able to find a house and a nanny within two days. Aubrey had a trach but everything seemed to be going really well with her. I had adapted to carrying all of the supplies around and it was becoming a normal part of life. My younger brother had moved with us and he was a tremendous help with Aubrey. Seth was on anything but a normal schedule and I was working 10 hour days. At the time, not working didn't even seem like an option to me. I was still in the mindset that as long as I was home every night, that was enough. It never occurred to me that Aubrey needed me more than I needed work. I kept telling myself that once she had the trach removed, nothing would be different about her. When she was 2, I made an appointment with a geneticist in L.A. I will never forget the car ride home from that appointment. The doctor told me everything that I didn't want to hear. It was the first time that I really got a grasp of how Aubrey's life would be. I cried and cried and cried. It was the first time I had even considered that she may never talk or that she was autistic. I didn't even know what autism was, honestly. I still thought that I should continue working and that someone else should care for her during the day. I was completely comfortable with someone else making the choices about her daily life for me. That all changed when she entered the Las Vegas school system when she turned 3. That's when I finally got it. It was like the light bulb finally turned on for me. This is my child. Her life is in my hands. I need to be most knowledgeable person about her, not someone else. I finally understood in a very deep way that my life was no longer about me, it was about Aubrey. Everything seemed so clear after I came to that understanding. I was no longer going to focus on myself and my career, I was going to focus on being a mother. I could not get her out of Las Vegas fast enough. I wanted her as far away as possible from that broken school district. The night I realized where she belonged was one of the happiest nights of my life. We were visiting Seth's family in North Dakota. We went to the local high school football game and Aubrey was so happy and had such a sense of freedom there. It was in that very moment that I knew she should be raised in North Dakota. Although Seth's family lived here, making plans to move was no easy task. We both had to find jobs and a place to live. He ended up with a great job in a gas plant and I took a job as a paralegal. We moved into his grandmother's farm house and revamped the entire thing. Aubrey started school at Divide County Elementary when she was 4 years old and it is the most amazing place for her. She has a paraprofessional with her all day and now uses an app on on iPad to communicate. I am able to freely go in and out of the school to see how her day is going or to talk with anyone on her team of specialists. I take her to school and am finished with work when she is out of school. I took the summer off from work to stay home with her which has been amazing. Of course we have challenging days. Days of constant hitting  or biting out of frustration. Days that seem like her bedtime cannot come soon enough. The difference is that I am able to be her constant now. I am her greatest cheerleader. Looking back it's so unbelievable that there was a time that I left my child's fate in anyone else's hands. I am so grateful that I woke up and realized that my love for her is what she needs the most.  

The Scoop

Ok so this is not just a blog about raising a child with Autism.  It's about my journey starting at age thirty.  It's about being a mother, dealing with infertility, trying to be an amazing wife and trying to somehow squeeze a second in for myself from time to time.  I want to share my struggles, accomplishments and the daily choices that I make in order to do what's best for Aubrey. 

Aubrey is six years old.  She is non-verbal and extremely full of energy.  She has long curly blonde hair and is like a ball of sunshine bouncing off of the walls, until she's not........

I recently had my fourth miscarriage.  This one happened at seventeen weeks.  Trying to have a baby is certainly the most stressful thing in my life right now. 

I have been married for 6 years.  It has ups and downs like any marriage but is definitely the most stable thing in my day to day life. 

We live in Northwestern North Dakota.  We moved from Las Vegas to ensure that Aubrey was given the best chances of a non-stressful life possible. 

Almost every single decision I make, is based on what is best for Aubrey.  I believe that my job, for the rest of my life, is to ensure she is given the best chance of success.  I understand that it was not my choice to have a child with special needs, but it was my choice to have a child. I no longer wonder what my purpose in life is or what I am meant to do. I know my purpose is to take care of her. 

Follow me on this journey and discover the highs, lows, and in-betweens of a woman trying to simply succeed at life.