All of the Thoughts That Come With Having a Baby

Today I had an appointment with a Hemotologist in Fargo. After my last miscarriage, it was discovered that I have a genetic mutation that is likely causing a clotting issue during my pregnancies. As I've mentioned before, I had my fourth miscarriage a few months ago at seventeen weeks into the pregnancy. I also have a deletion on my X chromosome which would cause concern if I became pregnant with a boy. With all of that information, it is recommended that I get pregnant via In Vitro Fertilization and would be on medication throughout the pregnancy to combat the clotting. Even if I opted out of the IVF, I would still have to take medication to get pregnant. Luckily we have a great medical team down in Fargo to keep all of that straight. Sounds like everything is basically figured out and I should be looking forward to the first trimester of pregnancy, again, in no time at all. According to my medical chart, I'm sure that's exactly what it looks like. 

It's a rare occurrence that I can't make a decision about something. I can usually weigh the pros and cons and be on my way. I can't seem to come to a concrete conclusion when it comes to getting pregnant again though. There is no doubt that I want Aubrey to have siblings. I want a home full of children's laughter and creative messes and football in the back yard. I want those things for Aubrey and Seth too. There is never a time that I wonder if Aubrey would be better off as an only child. I do wonder if she would be jealous of a baby or sneak into its crib at night but I know it would bring out the very best of Aubrey. 

Here's the problem, there is something that doesn't sit well with me when I think of going with IVF. I'm not sure what it is, but it doesn't feel right in my heart. It makes complete sense in my head, but not in my heart. I don't know if I feel like I'm overriding nature or feel like it's just too much to handle if I lost another baby. Maybe neither, maybe both. So do I override my gut feeling and just do it anyway? As of today, I don't think so.  

I would love to hear from people who have these same experiences. 

Update 11-26-15:

We met with a geneticist this week and were told having a male child with the deletion on the X chromosome was too risky and that she would definitely recommend the IVF with the additional testing on the embryos. Being told a definitive opinion by a knowledgeable geneticist almost instantly settled my nerves and uneasiness about IVF. I think it was not sitting well with me because I had a lack of knowledge of the possible outcomes. Now that I have that, I was able to say with absolute certainly that it is something I want to do. I met with the fertility specialist yesterday and told her I was ready to start the process. I am once again excited about the idea of Aubrey having someone to grow up with and Seth to have someone to teach the game of soccer to. 

Happy Thanksgiving!