All of the Thoughts That Come With Having a Baby

Today I had an appointment with a Hemotologist in Fargo. After my last miscarriage, it was discovered that I have a genetic mutation that is likely causing a clotting issue during my pregnancies. As I've mentioned before, I had my fourth miscarriage a few months ago at seventeen weeks into the pregnancy. I also have a deletion on my X chromosome which would cause concern if I became pregnant with a boy. With all of that information, it is recommended that I get pregnant via In Vitro Fertilization and would be on medication throughout the pregnancy to combat the clotting. Even if I opted out of the IVF, I would still have to take medication to get pregnant. Luckily we have a great medical team down in Fargo to keep all of that straight. Sounds like everything is basically figured out and I should be looking forward to the first trimester of pregnancy, again, in no time at all. According to my medical chart, I'm sure that's exactly what it looks like. 

It's a rare occurrence that I can't make a decision about something. I can usually weigh the pros and cons and be on my way. I can't seem to come to a concrete conclusion when it comes to getting pregnant again though. There is no doubt that I want Aubrey to have siblings. I want a home full of children's laughter and creative messes and football in the back yard. I want those things for Aubrey and Seth too. There is never a time that I wonder if Aubrey would be better off as an only child. I do wonder if she would be jealous of a baby or sneak into its crib at night but I know it would bring out the very best of Aubrey. 

Here's the problem, there is something that doesn't sit well with me when I think of going with IVF. I'm not sure what it is, but it doesn't feel right in my heart. It makes complete sense in my head, but not in my heart. I don't know if I feel like I'm overriding nature or feel like it's just too much to handle if I lost another baby. Maybe neither, maybe both. So do I override my gut feeling and just do it anyway? As of today, I don't think so.  

I would love to hear from people who have these same experiences. 

Update 11-26-15:

We met with a geneticist this week and were told having a male child with the deletion on the X chromosome was too risky and that she would definitely recommend the IVF with the additional testing on the embryos. Being told a definitive opinion by a knowledgeable geneticist almost instantly settled my nerves and uneasiness about IVF. I think it was not sitting well with me because I had a lack of knowledge of the possible outcomes. Now that I have that, I was able to say with absolute certainly that it is something I want to do. I met with the fertility specialist yesterday and told her I was ready to start the process. I am once again excited about the idea of Aubrey having someone to grow up with and Seth to have someone to teach the game of soccer to. 

Happy Thanksgiving! 

Harvest

Harvest is in full swing around here with the temperature rising over 100 most days this week. Aubrey has been so flexible this week and just going with the flow, thankfully. It has been entirely too hot to have her with me all day so luckily Grandma Jeanie has been around to keep Aubrey when it heats up. So what is farming like when you're trying to do it with your special needs child? Here's how Wednesday went.... Make sure she eats a little more for breakfast because it could be pushing noon before I can get her lunch, pack her bag of water, bibs, change of clothes, wipes and food, put a towel down in the seat of the grain truck because it's just dirty, put her booster seat in the middle right next to me, gas the truck up even though it still has half a tank because breaking down when it's nearly 100 is just not an option, load her up and head to town, text the PT to let her know I'll be a little late because the loaded down truck is taking its sweet time climbing those hills on the way up, finally make it to town and rush Aubrey into swim, go to the elevator while she's working with PT to unload the truck, fret about the man in front of me who seems to be taking forever unloading his truck, get in the elevator and get unloaded, grab my ticket and rush back to pick Aubrey up, get her out of the pool and dressed again, discuss the upcoming IEP meeting with the PT, walk down to the hospital cafeteria so that I can have a place to sit and feed her lunch, get back in the grain truck and head home. By that time she needs a short little nap. Just lay in my lab and go to sleep until we get home. Call Jeanie and see if Aubrey can come over for a bit. Grab a sandwich and head out to the combine. Watch the sunset driving in circles out in the field. Give Aubrey a big hug and tell her that I love her and that I appreciate her being so good for me. 

So why do it at all? Obviously I didn't grow up on a farm so I'm just learning how it all works. I want to know absolutely without a doubt that this is something I can do before we jump into it all the way. Also, as my father in law grows older, I want to help him in any way possible. I want him to trust me with the machinery and equipment he has worked so hard to have. In order to do that, I have to learn about it. I have to know what it's like to haul peas all the way up to Crosby because you don't have enough storage for them, I have to know how it feels to be in a combine from dusk until dawn, I have to know how to have the patience to work on machinery, and the realization that sometimes mistakes happen, but most of all I have to know and understand what it's like to balance a family and a farm because finding that balance is really what makes everything else fall into place. 

Brothers

On August 10, my youngest brother turned 20. How did that happen so fast? I talk a lot about Aubrey and my struggles with her but the truth is, I've had practice in dealing with tough situations long before Aubrey was born. I grew up in a very unstable home, to say the least. I lived with with my mother, step father and two younger brothers. I had a different father than they did. My step father was a raging alcoholic who went into manic fits almost on a daily basis. He was always yelling and creating some sort of emotional disturbance with everyone in the home. It was absolute chaos. My first brother, Tyler, was born when I was almost 5. He was the most handsome child I have ever seen. He was the family's pride and joy and could be seen out and about with his grandfather most days, sometimes taking a stroll around the town square our out in the field in the old pick up. When I was almost 11, Drew was born. Things were just getting really rough in the family when he came along and I have a heavy heart for baby being in the environment he was in. He was a little bright eyes red headed happy go lucky child though. Not a care in the world. When I was 15, enough was enough and I could stand the emotional and verbal abuse from step father no more. I moved in with my father and step mother. I would lie awake in bed at night and cry and cry and cry thinking about my brothers being in the house. I thought of how unfair it was that they still had to endure the late night arguements and screaming well after midnight. I felt guilty for leaving them but I knew I couldn't actually do anything, yet. Three weeks after I graduated high school I joined the Air Force. I wanted a better life for myself and I wanted to make something of myself. When I was 21, Tyler was on the verge of destruction. My step father had made him the next victim of the constant pushing and never ending abuse. I was only 21 and I didn't feel ready to step in, but I did. I took custody of Tyler and moved him to ND with me. I had no idea what I was doing or how to handle a teenage boy. I wanted to do everything so perfectly but ended up doing everything so terribly wrong. One thing was certain though, Tyler was safe and that's what really mattered. He could rest at night without being woken up abruptly to a screaming match in the next room. Tyler left ND and moved back to Mississippi after he finished high school. Things seemed to be going pretty smoothly. My mother eventually left my step father and Drew stayed with him. He had become very sick and I think Drew felt bad for him. While I was pregnant with Aubrey, I began to realize things were not actually going so well for Drew. Since I was pregnant, I was in the county and not oversees or on some whirlwind training mission across the Pacific. I got to talk to Drew more he he began to open up about what was really going on. He had been working all summer and his dad was taking his money and wanted to control every move Drew made. I knew what would be coming soon enough.... and I knew I couldn't let Drew go through the same things Tyler and I had. When Seth and I moved to Mississippi, Drew started staying with us a lot. It was tough because Aubrey was in and out of the hospital. When I got the job offer in Las Vegas, there was no way I was leaving Drew there with his father, no way. I hired an attorney and got custody. A few years later, my step father died. He had essentially drank himself to death. The boys made their peace before he passed away and for that I was thankful. I told them both not to feel an ounce of guilt because death does not change what a person did while they were alive. 

Today, both boys are happy and healthy. Tyler is living in Nashville with his girlfriend and has a great job. Drew is going into his third year of college and majoring in economics and working almost full time. I think both boys are a true testament that you can rise above your upbringings. They both had a rough ride but have beat the odds and are thriving in life. Not a day goes by that I don't wish them both all the happiness in the world. 

Two Weeks and 16 States Later

Last night we returned from our summer vacation. It was the longest we have ever been away from home with Aubrey. On the trip down, it was just Aubrey and I. We went to Mississippi to see my family for a week and then Seth flew down and we all went to Orange Beach, Alabama for a week. The trip was full of new experiences for Aubrey. She got to experience a sweltering Mississippi summer, life without wifi, how to decifer southern accents, the joy of sweet tea, and that a place does exist where you can swim almost all day.

While I loved seeing how much fun she was having, I enjoyed watching her take in the world even more. With so many new things at her fingertips, it was interesting to see her reactions. Being in a car and traveling didn't seem to rock the boat too much. She and I have traveled together quite a bit and she seemed content with that for the most part. Being in a home setting with no internet, now that was a different story. It was like her little world was upside down and she was constantly searching for a connection to her comfort zone. It didn't bother her in the car but she was out of sorts in the house. Not being able to "stim" on the iPad was a big upset. Once she figured out that my phone was still capable of reaching Dora, UmiZoomi, and Super Why, the battle was on! For the most part, I lost and will end up with a gigantic data bill. Probably should have prepared a little better for that.  It is also always interesting to watch her with new people.  Usually she comes into contact with new people, who are trying to interact with her, in an educational setting so it's much different in a social setting.  She definitely tries to take advantage of the situation.  Case in point, when my grandfather is playing outside with Aubrey and he says, "is that iPad waterproof?"  Aubrey would never put her iPad in a swimming pool with me around.  She knew good ol' grandpa might let her try it out though.  So, she got to see what Dora looks like in a swimming pool....for about 10 seconds. It is really refreshing to see her do things that any typical 6 year old would do, like try to be sneaky when mom isn't around.

After the week visiting family, we headed to the the beach with my little brother, who loves Aubrey will all of his heart, my mom, my grandma and my great aunt. It was literally heaven on earth for her. First of all, she was back in business with wifi but even better was the pool.  There was a swimming pool that had a small water fall and the water was mostly only three feet deep.  She had the freedom to swim around and stay under water as much as she wanted to.  She was taking it all in.  She got to see so many other children playing and swimming and having a great time with their parents.  We only made it to the beach a few times.  That was more like sensory overload, not sensory nirvana.  The sand was hot, the water was too vast for spatial orientation, the water tasted funny and well frankly there were just too many jellyfish lurking for my comfort.  The pool was a much better fit.  One night we went out to play laser tag and hired a babysitter. Needless to say, Aubrey gave that poor girl a run for her money. iPad in the bath, refused to go to bed, wouldn't eat. I knew I would push her limits with a babysitter but I really wanted to take my grandmother to play laser tag. Apologies to the babysitter who was basically punished for me messing with Aubrey's routine. 

Halfway through the week, some of my family left and the other group had not yet arrived, so just Seth, Aubrey and I went down to a local shopping center where there was a Ferris Wheel.  We thought she might get a little frightened on it at first.  No way.  She loved every second of it.  She was taking it all in.  The wind in her face, the unsteadiness of the seat, the sights below her. She absolutely loved it.  After we got off she said "wheel" and demanded to go again. With an articulated demand like that, heck yes we can do it again. 

All in all it was a fantastic trip to the coast. She effectively communicated with everyone and swam her heart out. 

On the way home we took a different route home and went through Tennessee, Kentucky, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Minnesota. We came home exhausted and ready to get back to our slower days. 

Big thanks to all of my family for being brave enough to vacation with us!