Why Law School, Why Now.

Aubrey walked the halls as a student of Divide County Elementary for the last time two months ago. It has taken me two months to gather my thoughts and feelings about that moment.  After two months in our new home of Grand Forks, this is what I think about it.  We love Crosby.  We love Divide County. I will always be so extremely grateful for the community that surrounded us with love and support for 7 years.  The community that lifted Aubrey up on a pedestal and taught her that her differenes are so special and how much she can contribute to this world.  I will forever be thankful for the support I had as I grew into a strong advocate for Aubrey and the unbelievable love I was shown through the many years I struggled to have Alexander.  There is nothing that can ever replace those years, those friendships or that place of comfort that will likely always be where we claim as "home".  

We have moved to Grand Forks, North Dakota where I am attending Law School at the University of North Dakota. We still have our house in Crosby and Seth is still living there, working in Tioga and making the trip back and forth from Crosby to Grand Forks on his days off.  The question is, why did we do that.  Why did I uproot everything that was so comfortable, so seemingly perfect, to start all over somewhere else.  The answer is, it was time. 

Imagine the biggest dreams you have ever had in your life.  Big, big dreams. The kind of dreams that put a smile on your face and make your heart happy if you could ever achieve one.  No, being an attorney is not that thought that puts that smile on my face or my ultimate life goal. Having Aubrey live in some sort of independent living situation as an adult does though. Her own little Crosby, full of people just like her. Being an attorney is just one step on the path that is going to help me get her there.  Moving to Grand Forks is part of a bigger plan.  

Aubrey is in 6th grade this year. Her class in Divide County will be moving to Junior High next year. The class that has had her back, seen her grow and cared for her like only children can, will start going in a different direction than Aubrey next year.  They will change classes, play sports, and esentially start growing up.  It was time for Aubrey to be a part of something different instead of being left behind in a mainstream setting, which was inevitable.  Aubrey is now in Middle School, in an autism only classroom.  She has 4 children in her class.  She has life skills classes, adaptive P.E., and a para whom she already has wrapped around her finger. She is thriving. I know she misses her friends from home, but now everything is on her level and sometimes being similar instead of different is not a bad thing. Aubrey will complete Middle School in Grand Forks. She will attend the same school, have the same lunch room, and love the same zip line on the playground for the next 3 years. 

Alexander is going to daycare at the YMCA (a.k.a. Big Boy School, as he calls it). It has been awesome and he will start swim lessons soon.  He will likely stay there until he starts kindergarten, in 3 years. 

Law school takes 3 years to complete. All first year law students take the same classes, so there is no focus area for now.  Get for real though, I know deep down what I want to do. I want to love what I do. I've seen the impact an attorney can make. I have seen what it is like when an attorney is passonite about her work and commits to giving her clients 110%.  I know my path will be different, but I want to take the fearlessness I have seen Liz exhibit with me and make my own path in the law. At the end of my 3 years of school, I want to take on the world, while keeping that big dream in mind.  At that point, Aubrey will be 14 years old, which still gives me a few years to make sure she is set up for the best possible situation once she graduates and nears adulthood. 

No matter if we have to be in a metropolitan area which has the type communities I envision for Aubrey or I have to build our own adult autism independent community in North Dakota, I believe this is the path I have to take to get me there.  Grand Forks is a step along the way, a way to set Aubrey on the best path forward. Big dreams take time to achieve. I have a lot to accomplish between now and then, there may be set backs along the way, and a few things are sure to change, but as to why law school, and why now - because it time to get started, I have a lot to get done.  

An Open Letter To My First Born Son

This is a letter that I feel I must write before you are born.  After children are born, mother's forget the emotions they had during pregnancy.  We forget the dreams we once had before the child was born.  We change our minds with the situation and conform to the circumstances at hand.  I wish I had kept one of these letters for your sister so that I could remind myself of how much I have grown and evolved since then.

At this time, you are expected to make a grand entrance into this world in about two months.  The doctor is currently very concerned about your growth.  Your looking a little small for your age and we are doing a lot of ultrasounds to make sure this issue doesn't become critical. Technically it's called Fetal Growth Restriction, but I know you will grow to be big and strong and have not been too hung up on it. There is also a concern with one of your kidney's but the doctor believes that will be easy enough to correct after birth if it does not self correct before.  At this point, I expect you will be born in Fargo, ND but that could change as time gets closer.  I have not yet bought a single piece of furniture for your nursery because I have been nervous that something will go wrong.  I plan on getting that accomplished within a few weeks.  I expect to name you Alexander Russell after our dear friend Russ, as he requested before he left us.

Here's the most important thing I want you to know.  I have dreamt of you for many years.  I have hoped and wished and wanted you more than anything in the world.  Even before your sister was born, I dreamt of the little boy I would one day have.  Your father and I have talked about our future son for many, many years.  You were my seventh pregnancy and I would do it all over again just to have you.  I know you will be strong enough for this family, which is not some cliche.  If you can make it this far, under all of my stress and previous complication, you will be just fine in outside world.

Here are a few of the things you should know about us.  We do not sleep much.  Your sister is awake, a lot.  We are hard workers so you'll just have to get on board with that.  I expect you will spend many hours in a law office and many more in tractors and combines.  I've gone so far as to buy you a rocking seat for my office.  You've already sat through a five day trial and been with me for many 80+ hour weeks.  I expect this will not change much after you are born, except maybe the trials.  Your dad works in a gas plant so, sorry buddy, but you won't be hanging out with him at work anytime soon.  You can expect to farm with both of us though.

OK, now here's the hard part.  Let's talk about your sister.  Your sister is a beautiful eight year old girl right now and in third grade.  She is autistic, non-verbal and epileptic.  Basically, your sister can't speak with her voice and has to overcome a lot on a daily basis. You will never know any different though and I hope that she will adapt to you just as you do to her.  I don't know what will happen or how she will feel about you being born.  It makes me nervous but at the same time I am so excited for you two to meet each other.  It is likely that you will always be the one to look out for her and not the other way around.  You will be eight years younger than her but by the time you are three or four, I am certain she will look to you for guidance in many things.  I hope that you always respect her achievements and know that she works extremely hard to overcome her challenges.  I hope that you always love her in the same unconditional way that mommy and daddy love you.  You will learn to be patient with her, I know that without a doubt.  If I am able to teach you nothing else, I will teach you patience.  She already tries to take over your things, like your sleeper and stroller.  She might be a little confused by a new baby in the house but I hope she will adjust to the idea soon, really soon.  I talk to her about you being in my belly and you kick her a lot at night when she puts her back or knees up against you.  Please don't kick her after you are born though, she will kick you back and that would not be good.  There are some nice things that your sister has laid the path for.  I have completely given up on trying to control your play time.  She plays in the mud, rain, snow, or any other condition as she pleases.  There is rarely a bedtime in the summer and I never get too upset about all of the dirt that is tracked in and out of our house.  I'm not sure how I will handle electronic devices with you though, seeing as how she has free reign over many tablets, iPads, iPhones and iPods.  Hopefully I have a little time to figure this situation out.

Seeing as how your dad and I have had so many years to discuss the future of our next born child, we have a lot planned for you.  We know what sports we want you to play - football, soccer, basketball, swim, tennis, and golf - and we know what we really want you to excel in - soccer and basketball.  Hope you are okay with that.  We have also discussed your college attendance.  We will continue to discuss that further though, as we do not see eye to eye on that one.  The thing I think about most though when it comes to your future though is that you turn out to be a good person.  We will no doubt set high expectations for you, that's just our nature, but I want you to always have good character and integrity.  Those are important to me.  I must say that I'm excited about seeing you spend many hours in the back yard tossing a football around or kicking a soccer ball with your dad.  I know he's waited a long time for a son to do those things with and I'm so happy he will finally have that opportunity.

Here's the thing, everybody has been waiting a long, long time for you to be born.  Grandmas have prayed for you, grandpas have cried for you, everyone we know has hoped for your well being and arrival one day.  As that day nears, I want you to know that you will adored and loved and gushed over. You will be showered with gifts and probably sent dozens of cards and letters.  No matter how difficult this road has been, I hope you will know you were worth the wait and I will cherish my role as a mother to you.

Roles Within the Family

When Seth and I were first married with a new baby, our roles within the family were basically the same. We were both pretty clueless about what to do with a baby, both sleep deprived and both constantly worried about money and working as much as possible. 

Over the years though, our roles have evolved and we have each taken different responsibilities. In the beginning of Aubrey's journey, I would often think wonder if our marriage would survive. I had seen all of the terrible statistics on marriage failure when the couple had a child with special needs. I won't lie, it hasn't always been easy. We have definitely had our share of growing pains. Over the past year I have thought a lot about what role each of us play in our family. I know a lot of people who think everything should be equal in a marriage. You both work. You both help with the kids. You take turns going out. For us, this is just not the way it is. When we moved to ND I knew my role and contributions would forever be different. I was comfortable with the transition from splitting all task as evenly as possible, to each having different roles that we basically take full responsibility for. I would take the primary role of overseeing Aubrey's day to day activities and caring for our home and Seth would be responsible for our financial security. This might seem like I fell back into the 1950s to some but, I think it's different because back then those roles were never chosen. We decided, together, that this would be best for our family. The one thing that we do still split evenly is yard work. It did take time to settle into our new roles and we did have to discuss things often. Once we both had a clear understanding of what the other expected though, it has been smooth sailing. I don't complain about doing laundry constantly and Seth doesn't think it's unfair when I'm off two weeks at Christmas because Aubrey is out of school. It has been so helpful for both of us to understand how we can best contribute to our family and to ensure Aubrey's happiness. It takes so much stress out of a marriage when you both can decide what role you want to have, how you can compliment each other's role and how you can take all of the guess work out of what to expect form each other. We are two people who have committed our lives to raising a happy child, who we want to see be successful at life, whatever role that may be require us to take.