My Heart Is Full

It has been six years since I had my first miscarriage.  Six years of struggling with unanswered questions, feeling like a failure and losing hope over and over again.  Six years and in one day, everything changed.  No more questions, no more letdowns, no more wishful thinking.  Six years later and I have the baby boy I have always dreamt of.  So many stories that I read about miscarriages and infertility end with the couple learning to move past their struggle, whether through an alternate means of having a baby or through learning to be happy with the life they have.  That is not our story.  Our story is one where dreams do come true.  Where it all turns out just as we had hoped.  It has not been an easy journey, but it has lead to an ending that could not be more perfect.  I don't think that is something that most people can say, I got everything I asked for.  My heart is full and my world is whole.

Alexander arrived at 3:22 am, Tuesday morning.  After going into the hospital at 7:00 am, Monday morning to be induced, he finally arrived early the next morning.  He had a few heart declarations during my labor but other than that, everything seemed to go well.  I transitioned fairly quickly once it got to that point and within minutes, he was ready to be born and was waiting on no one, including the doctor.  The nurse was able to talk me into breathing through one contraction instead of pushing but I couldn't wait any longer, he was going to be born without a doctor.  The nurse and Seth helped me through it and they delivered Alexander.  Typically, that would not be such an ordeal, but then the cord was wrapped around his neck three times.  Not once, three times.  The nurse successfully unwrapped him and laid him on my chest.  Talk about having the right nurse at the right time.  He wasn't crying though.  He just laid there.  They took him and suctioned him for what seemed like an eternity.  I wanted out of that bed so badly.  Within minutes he was back to me though.  Just a tiny little guy. I spent the next hour or so just holding my precious baby boy.  The one that I feel so lucky to have. 

We went through the normal process over the next 36 hours.  Family came and went. Aubrey got to meet her baby brother - she was not impressed.  Everything was going well until about 3:00 am on Thursday morning, 5 hours from our expected discharge.  He couldn't maintain his blood sugar levels. They kept dropping.  He was going to the NICU.  Seth and I both became overly emotional.  The NICU has been the place Aubrey has gone when things are bad, really, really bad.  I was in such turmoil I couldn't speak without crying.  I couldn't tell the nurse why we were in Fargo to begin with, without bursting into tears.  That's why we were there.  We were there in case he needed the extra support.  We were there in case everything was not okay.  We were there because we had been down this road before and knew that Fargo was the best place to be in the State.  We had made all of those arrangements on purpose with a lot of thought, but I was devastated when we actually had to utilize them.  Watching him have his IV placed made me feel like I was living a reoccurring nightmare.  Everything we have been through with Aubrey was at the forefront of my mind.  After he got settled, I had to return to my room, after all, I was still admitted to the hospital for postpartum care.  After spending time with him the next morning, I returned to my floor for discharge.  I couldn't even think about my own recovery from just having given birth.  I needed to be with my baby.  The one that was gone from my arms too soon.  I was quickly reminded why we had chosen the facility we had.  We were moved into a private NICU room and we were able to stay in his room with him.  A stark difference from anything we had experienced with Aubrey. He was quickly weened off of his meds and within 48 hours was only being held for observation. We were able to leave the hospital, together, with baby in tow, Sunday morning. 

Now we are almost three days into being home and honestly, it is everything I imagined.  Aubrey is slowing coming around and I think as long as she knows she is still queen of the castle, she will be just fine. She will occasionally take the time to give him a high five or stop in his room for a quick look. As for me, I just feel so happy.  I spend most of my day feeding, changing and rocking him and every time I look into his eyes I think what a little miracle he is.  After six long years, he is the gift we were waiting for.  He's the one.  He's the one that survived.  Just as Aubrey did.  We are so very blessed to now say that we have a son. Our family is complete.