My Heart Is Full

It has been six years since I had my first miscarriage.  Six years of struggling with unanswered questions, feeling like a failure and losing hope over and over again.  Six years and in one day, everything changed.  No more questions, no more letdowns, no more wishful thinking.  Six years later and I have the baby boy I have always dreamt of.  So many stories that I read about miscarriages and infertility end with the couple learning to move past their struggle, whether through an alternate means of having a baby or through learning to be happy with the life they have.  That is not our story.  Our story is one where dreams do come true.  Where it all turns out just as we had hoped.  It has not been an easy journey, but it has lead to an ending that could not be more perfect.  I don't think that is something that most people can say, I got everything I asked for.  My heart is full and my world is whole.

Alexander arrived at 3:22 am, Tuesday morning.  After going into the hospital at 7:00 am, Monday morning to be induced, he finally arrived early the next morning.  He had a few heart declarations during my labor but other than that, everything seemed to go well.  I transitioned fairly quickly once it got to that point and within minutes, he was ready to be born and was waiting on no one, including the doctor.  The nurse was able to talk me into breathing through one contraction instead of pushing but I couldn't wait any longer, he was going to be born without a doctor.  The nurse and Seth helped me through it and they delivered Alexander.  Typically, that would not be such an ordeal, but then the cord was wrapped around his neck three times.  Not once, three times.  The nurse successfully unwrapped him and laid him on my chest.  Talk about having the right nurse at the right time.  He wasn't crying though.  He just laid there.  They took him and suctioned him for what seemed like an eternity.  I wanted out of that bed so badly.  Within minutes he was back to me though.  Just a tiny little guy. I spent the next hour or so just holding my precious baby boy.  The one that I feel so lucky to have. 

We went through the normal process over the next 36 hours.  Family came and went. Aubrey got to meet her baby brother - she was not impressed.  Everything was going well until about 3:00 am on Thursday morning, 5 hours from our expected discharge.  He couldn't maintain his blood sugar levels. They kept dropping.  He was going to the NICU.  Seth and I both became overly emotional.  The NICU has been the place Aubrey has gone when things are bad, really, really bad.  I was in such turmoil I couldn't speak without crying.  I couldn't tell the nurse why we were in Fargo to begin with, without bursting into tears.  That's why we were there.  We were there in case he needed the extra support.  We were there in case everything was not okay.  We were there because we had been down this road before and knew that Fargo was the best place to be in the State.  We had made all of those arrangements on purpose with a lot of thought, but I was devastated when we actually had to utilize them.  Watching him have his IV placed made me feel like I was living a reoccurring nightmare.  Everything we have been through with Aubrey was at the forefront of my mind.  After he got settled, I had to return to my room, after all, I was still admitted to the hospital for postpartum care.  After spending time with him the next morning, I returned to my floor for discharge.  I couldn't even think about my own recovery from just having given birth.  I needed to be with my baby.  The one that was gone from my arms too soon.  I was quickly reminded why we had chosen the facility we had.  We were moved into a private NICU room and we were able to stay in his room with him.  A stark difference from anything we had experienced with Aubrey. He was quickly weened off of his meds and within 48 hours was only being held for observation. We were able to leave the hospital, together, with baby in tow, Sunday morning. 

Now we are almost three days into being home and honestly, it is everything I imagined.  Aubrey is slowing coming around and I think as long as she knows she is still queen of the castle, she will be just fine. She will occasionally take the time to give him a high five or stop in his room for a quick look. As for me, I just feel so happy.  I spend most of my day feeding, changing and rocking him and every time I look into his eyes I think what a little miracle he is.  After six long years, he is the gift we were waiting for.  He's the one.  He's the one that survived.  Just as Aubrey did.  We are so very blessed to now say that we have a son. Our family is complete.

Aubrey, It's Time

Aubrey, 

At first I thought maybe I wouldn't make this letter public.  It seems so personal, a letter from me for you to read later in life.  Then again, that's what my entire blog is about.  It's all about my life with you and my take on things that are happening with you or that effect you. It's all personal, it's all for you to read later.  It's all in hopes that one day you'll be able to reflect on my take on your life.

Tonight was our last night at home together with just you and I.  Dad was at work tonight and we leave for Fargo tomorrow, where Alexander will be born on Monday.  It could be many years before we have a full night alone again. After 8 years of many nights of just the two of us, a big change is coming. You made it a typical night by throwing both your talker and remote in the bath with me and then jumping in yourself in your pajamas. Never one to disappoint.

Tomorrow we will pick you up from school and take the drive across the state where we will spend the weekend.  You will have all three grandmas there and Grandpa Ray.  I know you'll have a blast with so many people at your beck and call.  On Monday, dad and I will head to the hospital and before long, Alexander will be here.  You will be a big sister.  Now, I know you've been told that about 999 times, but soon enough, you will know what it actually means.  I'm sure I'll spend most of my time in labor worried about what you are doing, but you'll be in good hands. 

For the past nine months I'm been worried about how I can make all of this work, how you will react, how I will keep your schedule intact, how I can manage everything, how this will be for you.  Here's what I want you to know though, those fears and concerns are subsiding.  This is exactly what I wanted for you.  I wanted to give you this gift, I wanted you to have a brother to grow up with.  There's no need for me to fret, it will all fall into place, and if it doesn't I'll put it all in place.  I would give you many, many more, if I could. 

Aubrey, it's time.  It's time for the big change we've talked so much about.  It's time for mommy to have a baby.  It's time for baby to be in that room you've been so curious about.  It's time for yet another person in our bed at night. It's time for things to be a little different but no less wonderful.  It's time for our hearts to feel love for another child, but no less love for you.  This is it little girl, the next time we are home together, baby brother will be with us.  There's no way I can realistically prepare you for it, but it's time. 

By the time you read this, you will likely not remember what life was like without Alexander.  Let me tell you, it was only missing one thing - him.

Love you more than you will ever know,

Mommy