An Open Letter To My First Born Son

This is a letter that I feel I must write before you are born.  After children are born, mother's forget the emotions they had during pregnancy.  We forget the dreams we once had before the child was born.  We change our minds with the situation and conform to the circumstances at hand.  I wish I had kept one of these letters for your sister so that I could remind myself of how much I have grown and evolved since then.

At this time, you are expected to make a grand entrance into this world in about two months.  The doctor is currently very concerned about your growth.  Your looking a little small for your age and we are doing a lot of ultrasounds to make sure this issue doesn't become critical. Technically it's called Fetal Growth Restriction, but I know you will grow to be big and strong and have not been too hung up on it. There is also a concern with one of your kidney's but the doctor believes that will be easy enough to correct after birth if it does not self correct before.  At this point, I expect you will be born in Fargo, ND but that could change as time gets closer.  I have not yet bought a single piece of furniture for your nursery because I have been nervous that something will go wrong.  I plan on getting that accomplished within a few weeks.  I expect to name you Alexander Russell after our dear friend Russ, as he requested before he left us.

Here's the most important thing I want you to know.  I have dreamt of you for many years.  I have hoped and wished and wanted you more than anything in the world.  Even before your sister was born, I dreamt of the little boy I would one day have.  Your father and I have talked about our future son for many, many years.  You were my seventh pregnancy and I would do it all over again just to have you.  I know you will be strong enough for this family, which is not some cliche.  If you can make it this far, under all of my stress and previous complication, you will be just fine in outside world.

Here are a few of the things you should know about us.  We do not sleep much.  Your sister is awake, a lot.  We are hard workers so you'll just have to get on board with that.  I expect you will spend many hours in a law office and many more in tractors and combines.  I've gone so far as to buy you a rocking seat for my office.  You've already sat through a five day trial and been with me for many 80+ hour weeks.  I expect this will not change much after you are born, except maybe the trials.  Your dad works in a gas plant so, sorry buddy, but you won't be hanging out with him at work anytime soon.  You can expect to farm with both of us though.

OK, now here's the hard part.  Let's talk about your sister.  Your sister is a beautiful eight year old girl right now and in third grade.  She is autistic, non-verbal and epileptic.  Basically, your sister can't speak with her voice and has to overcome a lot on a daily basis. You will never know any different though and I hope that she will adapt to you just as you do to her.  I don't know what will happen or how she will feel about you being born.  It makes me nervous but at the same time I am so excited for you two to meet each other.  It is likely that you will always be the one to look out for her and not the other way around.  You will be eight years younger than her but by the time you are three or four, I am certain she will look to you for guidance in many things.  I hope that you always respect her achievements and know that she works extremely hard to overcome her challenges.  I hope that you always love her in the same unconditional way that mommy and daddy love you.  You will learn to be patient with her, I know that without a doubt.  If I am able to teach you nothing else, I will teach you patience.  She already tries to take over your things, like your sleeper and stroller.  She might be a little confused by a new baby in the house but I hope she will adjust to the idea soon, really soon.  I talk to her about you being in my belly and you kick her a lot at night when she puts her back or knees up against you.  Please don't kick her after you are born though, she will kick you back and that would not be good.  There are some nice things that your sister has laid the path for.  I have completely given up on trying to control your play time.  She plays in the mud, rain, snow, or any other condition as she pleases.  There is rarely a bedtime in the summer and I never get too upset about all of the dirt that is tracked in and out of our house.  I'm not sure how I will handle electronic devices with you though, seeing as how she has free reign over many tablets, iPads, iPhones and iPods.  Hopefully I have a little time to figure this situation out.

Seeing as how your dad and I have had so many years to discuss the future of our next born child, we have a lot planned for you.  We know what sports we want you to play - football, soccer, basketball, swim, tennis, and golf - and we know what we really want you to excel in - soccer and basketball.  Hope you are okay with that.  We have also discussed your college attendance.  We will continue to discuss that further though, as we do not see eye to eye on that one.  The thing I think about most though when it comes to your future though is that you turn out to be a good person.  We will no doubt set high expectations for you, that's just our nature, but I want you to always have good character and integrity.  Those are important to me.  I must say that I'm excited about seeing you spend many hours in the back yard tossing a football around or kicking a soccer ball with your dad.  I know he's waited a long time for a son to do those things with and I'm so happy he will finally have that opportunity.

Here's the thing, everybody has been waiting a long, long time for you to be born.  Grandmas have prayed for you, grandpas have cried for you, everyone we know has hoped for your well being and arrival one day.  As that day nears, I want you to know that you will adored and loved and gushed over. You will be showered with gifts and probably sent dozens of cards and letters.  No matter how difficult this road has been, I hope you will know you were worth the wait and I will cherish my role as a mother to you.

Overload

Seizures, surges, biting, kicking, screaming. Why. Why is this happening. Make it stop, how do we make it stop. Aubrey has been struggling with some unpleasant developments over the summer and we are in a desperate search for a solution. After we seemed to have the seizures and sleep under control, the manic rages started. The first one that made me realize we needed a neurologist involved was in the aquarium in Las Vegas on our vacation. It was literally like all hell broke loose in front of the jelly fish tank. She just started biting uncontrollably and crying and screaming. Holy $&!?, let's get her out of here. Out the entrance we went in a hurry while she was ripping into Seth's shoulder like a vampire. I don't think either of us could comprehend what we had just experienced. We sat quietly on a bench outside of some bathrooms just trying to process the situation. Five minutes later she was eating a hot dog, happy as could be. Ummm, ok. A week later I was on my way to Fargo with her and it happened again. We literally parked on the side of the rode for almost an hour to let it run its course, while I tried singing, talking, not talking, dodging bites, rocking, taking her for a walk, so on and so forth. Nevermind that I felt like I had just survived an intense battle, how did she feel. It was while I was watching that episode that I knew she couldn't control it. If she wanted to stop it, she couldn't. It was out of her control just as much as her seizures are out of her control. She was hurting herself. She was bleeding. She couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't help her in that moment.  That's a feeling that I do not care to experience often. The neurologist increased Aubrey's meds a bit and ordered an EEG. Ok cool, maybe that'll help. I feel like it helped the way Tylenol helps a migraine. She's had more episodes over the past few weeks with the latest being yesterday during speech therapy.  Jeri was with her and by the time they got back to town, Aubrey's arms were swollen, her knees were bruised and her lip was bleeding from all of the biting.  It's times like that, that I want to blame someone.  As if Aubrey really got so annoyed in speech that she bites hard enough to break skin.  That's not true and I know it but it's so easy to want to blame someone else when you don't know how to help your child.  I know it must be so unbelievably frustrating to Aubrey because not only can she not control these outburst, she can't tell me how it feels or explain the pain she is experiencing.

I'm still waiting for results from the EEG, longest four day wait ever.  I desperately hope the doctor sees a need to change something.  Something has to make it better.  I can't send her to school like that.  I can't introduce more aides and classmates to a situation that I can't even tell them how to control.  One step forward, two steps back.  Until we have a solution, I will continue to brace for impact every single day.

Update:

I received the results from the EEG a few weeks ago- from two different doctors - and was only told that yes, in fact, Aubrey is having seizures.  Yep, I know that doc.  Then I was told that if Aubrey was having some sort of other behaviors, I needed to video her and send it in. Pardon me?  Is that a joke?  My daughter is a danger to herself and others and you want me to relax and pull out my phone and send you a video?  I think not.  Now, this was all coming from a doctor that does not typically see Aubrey, since her regular neurologist is on maternity leave.  Of course, since she is on maternity leave, I was then told that we could not get in to see her until November.  NOVEMBER?!?!?!  School is going to start and I'm going to have a baby by then.  Not going to work.  I was beyond frustrated.  I knew we had to seek a second opinion.  Unfortunately, we live in North Dakota and when you want to question a doctor from Fargo, your options are kind of limited.  My first Google search was "top pediatric neurologist in U.S.".  I was mad and I was going to find someone I trusted.  Then I looked at "UCLA pediatric neurologist". Aubrey had seen a geneticist there before and maybe they had a neurologist that would be helpful.  Then I remembered the neurologist that she had seen twice in Las Vegas.  At the time, Aubrey didn't have any real neurological concerns so we didn't see her often.  She had reviewed an MRI one time just to rule out the atrophy that had been noted early in Aubrey's life and briefly consulted with us on Aubrey's autism, but that had been about it.  I remembered that she was leaving the practice she was in before we moved but couldn't even remember her name.  Luckily, I was able to find her right away because Las Vegas is a relatively small town despite what it may look like to a tourist.  I was a little confused right away because the only current information contact information I could find was from UNLV.  Was she a professor now?  When did UNLV get a School of Medicine?  Anyway, I decided to email her and, surprisingly, had a response the next day.  I explained all of Aubrey's troubles and without telling her that I was fed up with the current opinions, told her I was seeking a second opinion.  She agreed to see Aubrey and put me in contact with her assistant.  Okay, that was fast.  Not like here where I'll need to wait until November to speak to someone.  Her assistant worked some magic with her schedule set us up with an appointment within a week, so that Aubrey's school schedule would not be disrupted.

Off to Vegas we went to get some answers.  It was a quick two day trip but Aubrey was able to get in a full day at the pool.  Bonus!!  I showed up with all of her records in hand and a video of her most recent EEG - another thing I had to call about 5 times to receive.  The doctor, resident and student took time to review the video and read over the records prior to having Aubrey in.  This is what Aubrey needed.  Someone to actually pay attention and create a plan.  She discussed various options with me, reviewed the EEG with me and wrote down her recommendations.  We spent about an hour talking and coming up with a strategic path forward.  One of her first recommendations is for Aubrey to have gene testing done to see what medications work best for her.  Wish I'd known that existed two years ago.  After that, I will have to follow-up with the original neurologist out of Fargo for medication adjustments and additions, which will now be in September and not November (another multitude of phone calls), because of the issue of writing prescriptions across State lines.  I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from me.  We have a plan in place and I'm not sitting here spinning my wheels.  I felt like finally I had visited with a doctor who saw patients like Aubrey multiple times a day.  There was no guessing games.  She knew what was up - she's seen it before.  Sometimes that's all a mom needs to know.  To know that my child isn't the ONLY one out there having these issues.  To know that there are many children that are struggling just like she is.  Even though I made the decision to give her better quality of life by moving to small town USA, it's okay to travel to see a doctor or two every now and then.

Today Aubrey started 3rd grade.  Her team from the school and I were able to sit down earlier this week so they could get caught up on what's going on.  For now, I have rearranged some of her meds to hopefully get her through the school day with no extreme aggressive outburst.  Day one was a success!  My goal is to have it all under control and worked out prior to having a baby, but for now, if I can keep her from spinning out of control from 8:30 - 3:30, I'll take it.  

Update:

We are about three months into the school year and I think we have finally found some relief for Aubrey's mind.  We have changed meds a few times.  The most significant change came from adding Hyrodroxyzine to her list.  It is primarily used for anxiety and just seems to calm her nerves.  Other significant changes were changing to an extended release version of her seizure meds.  I think this has helped with the mood swings, her level of Lamictal should be more consistent now.  The other significant change that has been made is that Aubrey is now tablet-less.  That's right.  No more playing on tablets or phones.  It's hard to explain the changes we have experienced with taking it from her.  I definitely do not recommend doing it unless you are really ready to dig your heels in and commit.  There were several sleepless nights and a lot of crying and biting but after about two weeks, she got used to the idea and no longer asks for it.  I do not know where we got so lost in the idea that she could have one non-stop, but somewhere along the line we did.  We all did.  She loved it so much and the characters on her shows were her friends.  It was painful for me to deny her what she considered a relief from reality.  She is better for it now though.  She does get a little bored on the weekends, especially with the cooler weather and not being able to play outside all day, because she refuses to wear pants.  We have tapped into toys that haven't been looked at in years and have come to love the show Dinosaur Train on T.V.

She is still all over the place with her sleep and sleeps anywhere from 6-13 hours a night.  I'm almost convinced that has more to do with her needing to go potty in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep or some other typical disturbance that we all experience.  She is still on her sleep meds but I'd really like to get those down to a minimal amount, so that she's not so drowsy in the mornings.  That will be our next challenge.

All of this goes without saying that Aubrey will probably always have behaviors that I cannot explain or that will at least take me a while to figure out.  Just last weekend I thought we were back to square one with the meltdowns after a 45 min screaming and biting session that was horrific.  I just wanted to cry thinking that nothing was any better than it had been four months earlier.  Come to find out on Monday, she had strep throat.  She was just in pain.  Well, not JUST, but at least it was an easy fix.  After she refused breakfast almost completely that Monday morning, I took her in to see the doctor just to confirm that she didn't have an obvious medical condition.  What a relief to know that she only had strep throat.

After many months of wishing I could ease the chaos in her brain and help her to be safe from her own actions, I think we are on a good track and I see a lot of improvement.  I am so very hopeful that the new baby does not throw her into a tailspin and she is able to accept him and find him interesting.  

How Does This Even Work

As I approach 18 weeks, this pregnancy is starting to get real. I am just settling into the idea that it's likely that I'm actually going to have a baby and not just be pregnant. What the heck. We just got back from a small vacation and while we were there so many emotions and questions hit me. How is this even going to work? Aubrey demands so much of my attention, how am I going to have enough of me to give to another child. Will she love the baby. Is it fair to her. Am I physically capable of handling both a baby and Aubrey. I honestly don't know the answer to any of those. What will happen to the peaceful environment we have created for Aubrey. Will she go with the flow or will she be tormented by the change. What will the first few years be like. I will have a solid plan in place to keep the baby and Aubrey separated to avoid dangerous situations but what about her daily routine, her comfort zones, her ability to roam freely, and what in the world will we do about sleep. How will I carry them both around, literally carry them. How will I calm Aubrey in a fit of anger with a baby in my arms. How will I separate them in a vehicle. How will I keep Aubrey out of the baby's room. 

These are all normal questions for any family. Normal concerns for any only child who is about to have their world shaken. Why do I feel such fear then. Likely, because I know the struggles I had with Aubrey. I know the effort it took. I know the sleepless years, the long days, the contempling every single move we should make. I know that reality. What I don't know is the usual stuff. I don't know what it's like to wake up just to feed a baby and not already have one eye open to make sure she's breathing. I don't know what it's like to be exhausted when you bring the baby home from the hospital instead of having been resting for two weeks while she's in the NICU. I don't know what it's like to post videos because milestones are being reached early. I don't know what it's like hearing first words or dreaming about athletic futures. I don't know those things. All I know is fear and uncertainty with a child. I want so badly to believe everything with be smooth sailing, that we will glide through this transition in welcoming our new baby boy. I want to believe that it's really that easy. There's no way to know though. We will bring him home and hold our breath. I will be sleeping with one eye open because Aubrey will be sleeping next to me and I will be terrified the baby's cries will wake her up. It's all getting so real. After all of the sadness of loss and devastation of thinking it would never happen, the reality is taking hold and I just hope that it works for me and for the little girl that I wanted so badly to have little brother.  

One Last Rodeo

My co-worker got a text last night asking if I'm pregnant. I guess putting on a extra weight is indicative of being pregnant. Good thing I am, or that would have been really awkward. That's right, we decided to give it one more shot. One more hopeful prayer that we can have a baby. It's pregnancy number seven and enough is enough. I'm currently 10 weeks and there are already some concerns. I have a small hemorrhage and three cyst in my uterus. The baby looks great though. During my ultrasound sound Friday, it was dancing as much as one inch nugget can dance. This actually all came as a surprise, after a failed attempt with fertility meds a few months ago. I didn't know for a few weeks and was not prepared when I figured it out. Being on the eve of a gigantic trial, I kept it a secret from everyone other than Seth and my co-worker Sam. I didn't really want everyone's opinion on me being 7 weeks and working literally 90 hours a week. It's not a good time for me to consider slowing down right now with the law office bursting at the seams with new cases and the start of farming season right around the corner, but that's how it goes.
So this is it, our one last rodeo in the world of pregnancy. If it doesn't go well, it doesn't mean we won't try other options, but I'm burnt out on first trimesters, weekly doctors appointments and being heartbroken with no no answers. If I have a beautiful baby in 30 weeks, all of these struggles will be long forgotten. We will keep our fingers crossed and our expectations light.
Update 5-17-17:  It's a boy! We did some genetic testing because even if I were to have a healthy pregnancy, there's a 50/50 chance that a boy would have the same X deletion I have and that would be bad news. I had convinced myself that I couldn't have a boy.  Out of 7 babies, this is the first boy. Now, after getting that news, we had to wait several more days to get all of the results back to know if it did or did not have the deletion. A lot of planning and processing came in those three days. I got the call on Monday, everything is normal! What the heck is happening?!?!! I'm having a little boy! I have been so set in my mind that it was impossible for so long. A little boy to protect and watch over our precious little girl. My heart is so full with hope and joy. Now, this doesn't change anything with the possibility of miscarriage but it makes me so hopeful that maybe this time is really for real. Stay tuned........
Update 6-30-17: I had my 20 week anatomy ultrasound today and everything looks perfect! My pregnancy has been going well and there are no signs of complications. I'm honestly feeling great. I forgot how easy the second trimester was. I get a little tired in the afternoons but that's all. Now, of course there is still all of the anxiety I shared in my other blog post, but my pregnancy itself is going really smoothly. We've decided to start ordering a few necessities and are slowly changing our mindsets from expecting the worst to expecting the best. I have discussed somewhat of a plan for birth with my primary OB and the baby will not be born in Williston - it's just not the place for me. We will have to consult more with the perinatologist in August to decide if I will have the baby in Bismarck or Fargo. Either would be fine with us, we'd travel anywhere to ensure the best care. I would start care at the planned delivery location at about 30 weeks and be induced at week 38-39. Anyone who knows me, knows that's not an ideal plan for me. I love the idea of a completely natural birth in my living room with soothing music and dim lights. I had to set those thoughts aside with Aubrey and I'm more than willing to set them aside again with safety in mind. My routine appointments have gone to every four weeks now that I can feel baby tumbling around. Best feeling ever! 

Update 9-19-17
Things aren’t “perfect” like I thought they were at 20 weeks. I’m now 31 weeks and we know that there is Fetal Growth Restriction. What the heck, a small baby? What will I even do with a tiny kid? I’m so accustomed to lugging around a 4’7” 80 pound kid, that has always been off the charts. The abdomen is consistently measuring below the 10th percentile which means I’m having ultrasounds every two weeks to monitor. Of course, there seems to be no real rhyme or reason for it, blood flow looks good. I’ve had three ultrasounds now, by three different techs and it’s definitely small. We met again with our Maternal Fetal Specialist today and things are staying constant, which is the best it can be, if it’s going to remain abnormal. I have scheduled a date to be induced and hope that I can make it until then to let baby grow and develop for as long as possible. He will be born in Fargo at the new hospital to ensure we have everything available that myself or baby could possibly need.
I’m beginning to require more rest and can’t seem to manage on 4 hours of sleep anymore. I have scheduled my last day of work to be two weeks before my induction date to give me some time to rest before the birth. The nursery is coming together and all of the furniture is in place. Aubrey has taken to the baby bed and likes to spend time watching her iPad in it. I’m not sure Alexander want to take to Bubble Guppies so early in life, but he may not have a choice.

Update 10-15-17

35 weeks. Hold on little buddy, we are so close to seeing this thing through.  The ultrasound at week 32 told us that not only is the abdomen small, but so is the femur.  Really small.  It was measuring in the 1 percentile.  The next one told us that the abdomen was falling on the chart even more, 4th percentile.  Now I'm having weekly Doppler scans to check the blood flow through the cord and to check the amniotic fluid.  Blood flow still looks good, amniotic fluid is getting low.  When they test for this, they look to see the largest pocket of fluid around the baby.  The lower limit is 2 centimeters.  The largest they could find last week was 2.1 centimeters.  The baby is still active and his heart rate is still looking really good though.  I will meet with the perinatologist again on Tuesday and we will see what his thoughts are.  I am thinking not much will change as long as nothing gets any worse.  We just want to let this baby keep growing and developing in a safe environment - as long as the womb is still safe.  Just a few more weeks and a very tiny little baby will be here. 😊

Aubrey has been kind of all over the place with meds and some behaviors.  I completely take back what I said in my last update.  I can totally still function on 4 hours of sleep.  That was just a rare blip of thinking I don't have superhuman capabilities.  hahaha.

Update 10-17-17

New developments today!  We had the growth scan today with the perinatologist and everything is on the upswing!  In the past two weeks our little guy has put on 1.5 lbs, going from 3 lbs 10 oz to 5 lbs.  Way to go chunky monkey.  The femur went from the 1st percentile to the 16th percentile and the the abdomen went from the 4th percentile to the 19th.  Also, all of the pockets of amniotic fluid that they measured were all over 2 cm with the largest being 4.6 cm.  That's an upgrade just within the past four days.  All of this is an amazing turn in progress and I am beyond elated to have good news.  I am so appreciative of all of the prayers and well wishes this baby has been given.  I am still on track to be induced on November 20th in Fargo.  I will continue doing weekly visits and Doppler scans to ensure good blood flow through the cord along with non-stress tests.  I change blood thinners next week in preparation for birth.  I feel like I'm ready for this and with the good news today, there is a new calm over the situation.  The doctor still suggested that I relocate to Fargo a week or two before my due date, which is just not possible with Aubrey.  I will handle that as time gets closer though and have promised her that she will be with her mommy when baby comes.  Thank you again for all of the support and I look forward to more positive updates as the world awaits the arrival of baby Alexander.

Update 11-9-17

I'm so ready to have this baby.  His abdomen and femur are measuring small again, both around the 3rd percentile.  He's estimated to weigh 6 lbs though.  The Dopplers look good and all of the non-stress tests have been normal.  At this point, they will not change anything and I'm still set to be induced on November 20th.  Hematology can't get my levels stabilized now that I've switched to heparin and I've gotten cellulitus in my belly, so I'm on antibiotics for that.  My blood pressure is running high too.  No real surprise there. I'm so ready to stop worrying about this pregnancy.  I think it's much easier to worry about a baby that I can see, than one I can't.  I have one more regular visit and ultrasound and then we head to Fargo to meet our little nugget.  I'm so very ready to not be pregnant ever again. 

Nygaard 2016 Christmas Letter

What a year for our little family.  It has been a rollercoaster year and we just held on and hoped for the best.  We have had ups, downs, twist, turns and not a dull moment in between.  

We have had three major loses this year with our unborn baby, our dearest friend Russ, and Grandma Norma.  We hold those loved ones in our heart and we think of them daily.  I have written a lot about the loss of the first two because I was so heartbroken and my blog has been a great help to mend my soul.  

Aubrey entered into second grade this year and has become an expert at using a communication app on her iPad to communicate with everyone around her.  Her advanced spelling has really become apparent and helps her express her thoughts to the world.  She is adjusting well to her new meds for her epilepsy and has had no negative side effects. She recently participated in the annual Christmas concert at school where she was was able to stand and jingle along with the other students.  We were so proud and she gave Santa's beard a little tug in the middle of the show just to show some extra spirit.  

Work has been extremely busy for me this year with major transitions in the office.  We moved into a new location in Crosby in the Spring and Liz' family transitioned to Kalispell, MT in the fall.  Liz is still back and forth and will be expanding the business with a second office early next year.  The oil and gas work has slowed significantly in Divide County so I have had the opportunity to be a much more diverse paralegal.  

Seth is still with Hess and his job is still quite stable.  There has been some reorganization within the company but his position remains unchanged.  He is becoming quite the farmer though and his time is split almost evenly between the two for most of the year.

Aubrey's paraprofessional from school continued to work with Aubrey over the summer, which allowed me to work continuously through the summer and not take time off like I have in the past. That worked out well because in August we had a Federal Trial in Bismarck that took weeks of preparation and hours upon hours of testimony.  We do not yet know the outcome but my fingers our crossed that our client prevails.  

Harvest went well this year and there were no major issues.  Lots of long days driving in circles.  I enjoy (almost) every minute of it and love when Aubrey can be out and be in the field with me.  

We hosted an Engagement Party for Seth's cousin Lindsay and her fiancé Eric in July at our home.  We also had Russ' family and my parents visit in July.  Busy month!

Tyler moved to Houston in the fall and is working with a great company, Lindsey Lighting. He loves the area and is doing well.  He and his girlfriend, Blake, adopted a puppy and have settled into a nice life there. 

Drew is a senior at Ole Miss and is majoring in accounting.  He intends on completing graduate school there as well.  He is still working part time for JCG in Oxford.  He is not yet sure what he'd like to do after he graduates but one thing is for sure, he has the mind to do whatever he desires.

Ray and Jeanie still love their new neighbors (us) and even still invite us over for dinner from time to time. :). Jeanie was just elected Chairman of the St. Luke's Hospital Foundation further proving that  her retirement is not a real thing.  Ray is still working like a young man but traveled to Branson on a bus this winter.  Seems like a very retirement-esque thing to me.  

Things have slowed down a bit for us since November and we have been able to take a moment to soak it all in. 

We felt we'd had enough commotion for the year though so we are spending Christmas on the beach in Hawaii!  We are currently on the plane to Vegas and will leave for Maui tomorrow.  After a day in Maui we will take the ferry over to Lanai.  Marsha and my dad will join us in Lanai. I plan on sailing peacefully through the holidays next to the ocean, without a care in this world.  

I hope to see more of my family and friends next year, especially little Bryce, who we did not see this year.  He welcomed a new baby sister this year with his family in Pennsylvania.  

We hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas and a happy New Year!  Aloha. 

Only the Good Die Young (Part 2)

It has now been three and a half months since Russ took his life.  For me it's been three and a half months of therapy, sleeping medication, anti-depressants, and a whole lot of thinking about life. The meaning of life, what I'd like to accomplish in my life and so on. For me, those thoughts could go on forever.  I could ponder those type thoughts for days on end to search for a conclusion.  I am drawn to thinking about questions that can drive you crazy because there is really no answer.  I have literally spent months pondering deeply emotional substance in my own life.  I have taken my own self through a process of self discovery.  It has been a process of absorbing a tragedy and not trying to fix it.  I have learned about accepting what happened and letting it become part of my story and not letting it be something I need to "get over" or "find closure" with.  I've learned that I didn't have a choice in the matter.  It was his choice.  I was merely a friend.  He was lost and there was nothing I could have done to bring him into the light.  I honestly believe that.  I honestly, know with all of my heart that I tried. It's not just something that I tell myself to feel better.  I gave him an extraordinary friendship.  In the end its was not enough for him.  Nor should I expect it to be.  He needed serious mental help and that's not something I was capable of offering.  Certainly, I suggested that he should seek help, but that was his option, not mine.  I am still sad that he was so lost but I also know that he probably is too.  Nothing I can do to bring him back.  Nothing he can do to come back.  I sometimes think I can feel his presence, I sometimes think that I just find comfort in that thought.  Sometimes I think that if dead people were floating around everywhere, that would be a lot of dead people hanging out.  Maybe he just lives in my mind. I'll never really know.  I appreciate the time we spent together and I embrace the memories.  Russ deserves a place in my life story, but I deserve to visit that story at my own leisure.  

What's New With Aubrey

In August we took Aubrey to see her neurologist in Fargo.  We suspected that she may be having short little seizures.  Turns out she is.  Many of them, every day.  She isn't convulsing.  Her eyes were just rolling back in her head and she was losing her balance.  She had to make it through a 45 minute EEG followed by a lengthy meeting with the doctor.  Ok.... right..... let's place about 30 electrodes to Aubrey's head and monitor her for 45 minutes, I'm sure she'll be patient through that. Yeah...... that was interesting.  I think the tech was ready to call it a day after that was over.  The neurologist was very informative regarding the findings though.  She explained that Aubrey is having very frequent abnormal surges in her brain.  This would create many daily issues like inability to focus on tasks.  We had several options for medications but they were all very likely to side effects. We decided to start with Keppra.  Side effect was increased irritability and behavior issues.  First week on meds was also the first week of school. Awesome combination.  After a few weeks of screaming, biting, intolerable ear pain and what seemed to be a general discomfort with everything in life, we decided to call it quits with Keppra.  Next on the list was Trileptal.  Big side effect was that it could make the seizures worse.  Check.  More eyes rolling, stumbling, and even mild convulsions.  Now, she has started Lamictal.  It's the last option in my opinion.  The other two meds on the market for children will not work because Aubrey only has one kidney and because she is female.  Most likely side effect for this one is extreme skin rashes.  No sign of that so far.  Maybe we have found her match. Maybe not.  Maybe she is nearing some sort of relief through medication, maybe not.  It's impossible to know. It's impossible to know if we are doing the right thing or if she feels more stable with medications for her epilepsy.  As if she didn't have enough going on, now epilepsy with a shot in the dark at medications has been added to her plate.  Seems so unbelievably unfair sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't though. Sometimes I have to consider all of the things that go right for her.  I have to consider the amazing care that she had over the summer from Jeri, who pointed out the occurrences that led us to the doctor.  I have to think of all of the freedom she had over the summer to swim and play and learn.  I have to consider the patient staff she had from school to make a summer school program for her.  I have to think of the willingness of a small cafe in town that allowed her to come in and work with her speech therapist every day to learn appropriate interactions in public.  I have to consider the neurologist that was willing to take us into her personal office to show us what she saw on her computer when looking at Aubrey's EEG.  I have to consider her aids that are willing to take the time to write down every single time she has a seizure throughout the day, so that I can make an assessment on progress. I have to consider the State who funds these medical trips.  I have to consider the positive attitude that Aubrey is always able to come up with even after everything that she goes through.  I have to consider everything that goes the right way, when a few things go wrong.