Only the Good Die Young (Part 2)

It has now been three and a half months since Russ took his life.  For me it's been three and a half months of therapy, sleeping medication, anti-depressants, and a whole lot of thinking about life. The meaning of life, what I'd like to accomplish in my life and so on. For me, those thoughts could go on forever.  I could ponder those type thoughts for days on end to search for a conclusion.  I am drawn to thinking about questions that can drive you crazy because there is really no answer.  I have literally spent months pondering deeply emotional substance in my own life.  I have taken my own self through a process of self discovery.  It has been a process of absorbing a tragedy and not trying to fix it.  I have learned about accepting what happened and letting it become part of my story and not letting it be something I need to "get over" or "find closure" with.  I've learned that I didn't have a choice in the matter.  It was his choice.  I was merely a friend.  He was lost and there was nothing I could have done to bring him into the light.  I honestly believe that.  I honestly, know with all of my heart that I tried. It's not just something that I tell myself to feel better.  I gave him an extraordinary friendship.  In the end its was not enough for him.  Nor should I expect it to be.  He needed serious mental help and that's not something I was capable of offering.  Certainly, I suggested that he should seek help, but that was his option, not mine.  I am still sad that he was so lost but I also know that he probably is too.  Nothing I can do to bring him back.  Nothing he can do to come back.  I sometimes think I can feel his presence, I sometimes think that I just find comfort in that thought.  Sometimes I think that if dead people were floating around everywhere, that would be a lot of dead people hanging out.  Maybe he just lives in my mind. I'll never really know.  I appreciate the time we spent together and I embrace the memories.  Russ deserves a place in my life story, but I deserve to visit that story at my own leisure.