Only the Good Die Young (Part 2)

It has now been three and a half months since Russ took his life.  For me it's been three and a half months of therapy, sleeping medication, anti-depressants, and a whole lot of thinking about life. The meaning of life, what I'd like to accomplish in my life and so on. For me, those thoughts could go on forever.  I could ponder those type thoughts for days on end to search for a conclusion.  I am drawn to thinking about questions that can drive you crazy because there is really no answer.  I have literally spent months pondering deeply emotional substance in my own life.  I have taken my own self through a process of self discovery.  It has been a process of absorbing a tragedy and not trying to fix it.  I have learned about accepting what happened and letting it become part of my story and not letting it be something I need to "get over" or "find closure" with.  I've learned that I didn't have a choice in the matter.  It was his choice.  I was merely a friend.  He was lost and there was nothing I could have done to bring him into the light.  I honestly believe that.  I honestly, know with all of my heart that I tried. It's not just something that I tell myself to feel better.  I gave him an extraordinary friendship.  In the end its was not enough for him.  Nor should I expect it to be.  He needed serious mental help and that's not something I was capable of offering.  Certainly, I suggested that he should seek help, but that was his option, not mine.  I am still sad that he was so lost but I also know that he probably is too.  Nothing I can do to bring him back.  Nothing he can do to come back.  I sometimes think I can feel his presence, I sometimes think that I just find comfort in that thought.  Sometimes I think that if dead people were floating around everywhere, that would be a lot of dead people hanging out.  Maybe he just lives in my mind. I'll never really know.  I appreciate the time we spent together and I embrace the memories.  Russ deserves a place in my life story, but I deserve to visit that story at my own leisure.  

What's New With Aubrey

In August we took Aubrey to see her neurologist in Fargo.  We suspected that she may be having short little seizures.  Turns out she is.  Many of them, every day.  She isn't convulsing.  Her eyes were just rolling back in her head and she was losing her balance.  She had to make it through a 45 minute EEG followed by a lengthy meeting with the doctor.  Ok.... right..... let's place about 30 electrodes to Aubrey's head and monitor her for 45 minutes, I'm sure she'll be patient through that. Yeah...... that was interesting.  I think the tech was ready to call it a day after that was over.  The neurologist was very informative regarding the findings though.  She explained that Aubrey is having very frequent abnormal surges in her brain.  This would create many daily issues like inability to focus on tasks.  We had several options for medications but they were all very likely to side effects. We decided to start with Keppra.  Side effect was increased irritability and behavior issues.  First week on meds was also the first week of school. Awesome combination.  After a few weeks of screaming, biting, intolerable ear pain and what seemed to be a general discomfort with everything in life, we decided to call it quits with Keppra.  Next on the list was Trileptal.  Big side effect was that it could make the seizures worse.  Check.  More eyes rolling, stumbling, and even mild convulsions.  Now, she has started Lamictal.  It's the last option in my opinion.  The other two meds on the market for children will not work because Aubrey only has one kidney and because she is female.  Most likely side effect for this one is extreme skin rashes.  No sign of that so far.  Maybe we have found her match. Maybe not.  Maybe she is nearing some sort of relief through medication, maybe not.  It's impossible to know. It's impossible to know if we are doing the right thing or if she feels more stable with medications for her epilepsy.  As if she didn't have enough going on, now epilepsy with a shot in the dark at medications has been added to her plate.  Seems so unbelievably unfair sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't though. Sometimes I have to consider all of the things that go right for her.  I have to consider the amazing care that she had over the summer from Jeri, who pointed out the occurrences that led us to the doctor.  I have to think of all of the freedom she had over the summer to swim and play and learn.  I have to consider the patient staff she had from school to make a summer school program for her.  I have to think of the willingness of a small cafe in town that allowed her to come in and work with her speech therapist every day to learn appropriate interactions in public.  I have to consider the neurologist that was willing to take us into her personal office to show us what she saw on her computer when looking at Aubrey's EEG.  I have to consider her aids that are willing to take the time to write down every single time she has a seizure throughout the day, so that I can make an assessment on progress. I have to consider the State who funds these medical trips.  I have to consider the positive attitude that Aubrey is always able to come up with even after everything that she goes through.  I have to consider everything that goes the right way, when a few things go wrong.