Nygaard 2016 Christmas Letter

What a year for our little family.  It has been a rollercoaster year and we just held on and hoped for the best.  We have had ups, downs, twist, turns and not a dull moment in between.  

We have had three major loses this year with our unborn baby, our dearest friend Russ, and Grandma Norma.  We hold those loved ones in our heart and we think of them daily.  I have written a lot about the loss of the first two because I was so heartbroken and my blog has been a great help to mend my soul.  

Aubrey entered into second grade this year and has become an expert at using a communication app on her iPad to communicate with everyone around her.  Her advanced spelling has really become apparent and helps her express her thoughts to the world.  She is adjusting well to her new meds for her epilepsy and has had no negative side effects. She recently participated in the annual Christmas concert at school where she was was able to stand and jingle along with the other students.  We were so proud and she gave Santa's beard a little tug in the middle of the show just to show some extra spirit.  

Work has been extremely busy for me this year with major transitions in the office.  We moved into a new location in Crosby in the Spring and Liz' family transitioned to Kalispell, MT in the fall.  Liz is still back and forth and will be expanding the business with a second office early next year.  The oil and gas work has slowed significantly in Divide County so I have had the opportunity to be a much more diverse paralegal.  

Seth is still with Hess and his job is still quite stable.  There has been some reorganization within the company but his position remains unchanged.  He is becoming quite the farmer though and his time is split almost evenly between the two for most of the year.

Aubrey's paraprofessional from school continued to work with Aubrey over the summer, which allowed me to work continuously through the summer and not take time off like I have in the past. That worked out well because in August we had a Federal Trial in Bismarck that took weeks of preparation and hours upon hours of testimony.  We do not yet know the outcome but my fingers our crossed that our client prevails.  

Harvest went well this year and there were no major issues.  Lots of long days driving in circles.  I enjoy (almost) every minute of it and love when Aubrey can be out and be in the field with me.  

We hosted an Engagement Party for Seth's cousin Lindsay and her fiancé Eric in July at our home.  We also had Russ' family and my parents visit in July.  Busy month!

Tyler moved to Houston in the fall and is working with a great company, Lindsey Lighting. He loves the area and is doing well.  He and his girlfriend, Blake, adopted a puppy and have settled into a nice life there. 

Drew is a senior at Ole Miss and is majoring in accounting.  He intends on completing graduate school there as well.  He is still working part time for JCG in Oxford.  He is not yet sure what he'd like to do after he graduates but one thing is for sure, he has the mind to do whatever he desires.

Ray and Jeanie still love their new neighbors (us) and even still invite us over for dinner from time to time. :). Jeanie was just elected Chairman of the St. Luke's Hospital Foundation further proving that  her retirement is not a real thing.  Ray is still working like a young man but traveled to Branson on a bus this winter.  Seems like a very retirement-esque thing to me.  

Things have slowed down a bit for us since November and we have been able to take a moment to soak it all in. 

We felt we'd had enough commotion for the year though so we are spending Christmas on the beach in Hawaii!  We are currently on the plane to Vegas and will leave for Maui tomorrow.  After a day in Maui we will take the ferry over to Lanai.  Marsha and my dad will join us in Lanai. I plan on sailing peacefully through the holidays next to the ocean, without a care in this world.  

I hope to see more of my family and friends next year, especially little Bryce, who we did not see this year.  He welcomed a new baby sister this year with his family in Pennsylvania.  

We hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas and a happy New Year!  Aloha. 

Only the Good Die Young (Part 2)

It has now been three and a half months since Russ took his life.  For me it's been three and a half months of therapy, sleeping medication, anti-depressants, and a whole lot of thinking about life. The meaning of life, what I'd like to accomplish in my life and so on. For me, those thoughts could go on forever.  I could ponder those type thoughts for days on end to search for a conclusion.  I am drawn to thinking about questions that can drive you crazy because there is really no answer.  I have literally spent months pondering deeply emotional substance in my own life.  I have taken my own self through a process of self discovery.  It has been a process of absorbing a tragedy and not trying to fix it.  I have learned about accepting what happened and letting it become part of my story and not letting it be something I need to "get over" or "find closure" with.  I've learned that I didn't have a choice in the matter.  It was his choice.  I was merely a friend.  He was lost and there was nothing I could have done to bring him into the light.  I honestly believe that.  I honestly, know with all of my heart that I tried. It's not just something that I tell myself to feel better.  I gave him an extraordinary friendship.  In the end its was not enough for him.  Nor should I expect it to be.  He needed serious mental help and that's not something I was capable of offering.  Certainly, I suggested that he should seek help, but that was his option, not mine.  I am still sad that he was so lost but I also know that he probably is too.  Nothing I can do to bring him back.  Nothing he can do to come back.  I sometimes think I can feel his presence, I sometimes think that I just find comfort in that thought.  Sometimes I think that if dead people were floating around everywhere, that would be a lot of dead people hanging out.  Maybe he just lives in my mind. I'll never really know.  I appreciate the time we spent together and I embrace the memories.  Russ deserves a place in my life story, but I deserve to visit that story at my own leisure.  

What's New With Aubrey

In August we took Aubrey to see her neurologist in Fargo.  We suspected that she may be having short little seizures.  Turns out she is.  Many of them, every day.  She isn't convulsing.  Her eyes were just rolling back in her head and she was losing her balance.  She had to make it through a 45 minute EEG followed by a lengthy meeting with the doctor.  Ok.... right..... let's place about 30 electrodes to Aubrey's head and monitor her for 45 minutes, I'm sure she'll be patient through that. Yeah...... that was interesting.  I think the tech was ready to call it a day after that was over.  The neurologist was very informative regarding the findings though.  She explained that Aubrey is having very frequent abnormal surges in her brain.  This would create many daily issues like inability to focus on tasks.  We had several options for medications but they were all very likely to side effects. We decided to start with Keppra.  Side effect was increased irritability and behavior issues.  First week on meds was also the first week of school. Awesome combination.  After a few weeks of screaming, biting, intolerable ear pain and what seemed to be a general discomfort with everything in life, we decided to call it quits with Keppra.  Next on the list was Trileptal.  Big side effect was that it could make the seizures worse.  Check.  More eyes rolling, stumbling, and even mild convulsions.  Now, she has started Lamictal.  It's the last option in my opinion.  The other two meds on the market for children will not work because Aubrey only has one kidney and because she is female.  Most likely side effect for this one is extreme skin rashes.  No sign of that so far.  Maybe we have found her match. Maybe not.  Maybe she is nearing some sort of relief through medication, maybe not.  It's impossible to know. It's impossible to know if we are doing the right thing or if she feels more stable with medications for her epilepsy.  As if she didn't have enough going on, now epilepsy with a shot in the dark at medications has been added to her plate.  Seems so unbelievably unfair sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't though. Sometimes I have to consider all of the things that go right for her.  I have to consider the amazing care that she had over the summer from Jeri, who pointed out the occurrences that led us to the doctor.  I have to think of all of the freedom she had over the summer to swim and play and learn.  I have to consider the patient staff she had from school to make a summer school program for her.  I have to think of the willingness of a small cafe in town that allowed her to come in and work with her speech therapist every day to learn appropriate interactions in public.  I have to consider the neurologist that was willing to take us into her personal office to show us what she saw on her computer when looking at Aubrey's EEG.  I have to consider her aids that are willing to take the time to write down every single time she has a seizure throughout the day, so that I can make an assessment on progress. I have to consider the State who funds these medical trips.  I have to consider the positive attitude that Aubrey is always able to come up with even after everything that she goes through.  I have to consider everything that goes the right way, when a few things go wrong.  

Only the Good Die Young (part 1)

Today is two weeks since it happened. Two weeks since his pain was gone. Two weeks since he left us. Two weeks since my heart was ripped open.  Suicide is an odd thing to grapple with.  As a society, we do seem to be able to deal with death pretty easily.  It happens to everyone at some point. We do seem to put a lot of focus on the cause of death though and the actual loss seems to get lost in the shuffle. If someone dies from old age, it's sad. If a middle aged person dies in a car accident, it's sadder.  If a young person takes their own life, we literally lose our minds.  The thing about suicide is that we are able to question the reason, the planning, the unaccounted for pieces of the puzzle. We are able to search for the signs we missed and the conversations we took for granted.  We are able to place blame on something or someone. In this particular case, we all missed missed everything he was telling us.  We all failed him.  There is no one thing to blame, no one conversation overlooked.  He reached out for help to many of us and we were either too busy, too desensitized, too indifferent to his cries for help.

I met Russ in Las Vegas.  The first night I met him, Seth and I went out with him and his girlfriend at the time.  A few weeks later, myself, Seth and Russ went out for Halloween.  I was trying to set him up with one of my friends but they never quite got around to chatting.  It was one of the most fun nights I had had in years.   He was so free spirited and at that time, my life had been a constant cycle of work and extreme difficulties with Aubrey.  He was a breath of fresh air.  He was the exact type friend I needed in my life at that exact moment.  After a few months, I came to know a person who was much different than the fun loving free spirit I thought he was.  He would go through periods of deep depression and spoke of taking his own life as if it were a task he was certain to complete. He often called late at night after he had been drinking and ask me to come be with him.  He just needed someone to talk to and I was happy to be there for him.  Over the years, he became the only friend I really talked to about things going on in my life.  Of course, I still confided in Seth but sometimes when a couple is going through a loss of a child or things of that nature, they need an outside friend, Russ was that person for me. He knew how it felt to be really sad and to feel lost in life, and that how I felt sometimes.  He just got me. He got my fun, wild side, he got my sad side, he got my overbearing, demanding side.  He just got it.  He knew my ways and he didn't judge me. Those type friends don't come along very often.  I knew I was lucky to have him.  He knew he was lucky to have me too. He would tell me how much he appreciated my friendship and ask me why I would put up with him.  I really couldn't answer that but I knew we would be lost without each other. He and Seth were still buddies too. They golfed and hung out all the time.  He was pretty much part of our family.

When I left Vegas and moved to North Dakota, I thought I'd never see him again.  I left in June and by September, he was up here for a visit, the next January I went down to see him and by the next June, he got a job with Seth and moved up to North Dakota.  The trio was reunited! At first, he seemed happier.  He had things together and was more stable.  It didn't take too long for the dark side to come out again though.  The drinking always brought it out.  At some point, I became immune to it.  I would no longer run to be by his side. I would ask him to stop making threats because I knew he would never carry them out. I felt it was more of a cry for attention than a cry for help.  I thought he thought he could demand my attention by using his same old lines of self harm.  I felt that I had too much going on in my own life to  worry with his issues.  I would demand that he seek professional help and state that he needed medication.  He started making comments to his guy friends about committing suicide, to include Seth.  I think Seth was insensitive to it at that point because he had an idea of what Russ had been saying to me for almost five years.  Everyone pretty much just played it off.

The last night of his life, he was all over the place in our conversation.  He told me that he didn't want to bring me down with him anymore, he begged me to play Risk with him, he sent me screen shots of the text he was sending to girls, he told me he had his "shotty" close by, he cried out for help over and over and over again and I missed all of it.  Either because I wasn't paying attention or because I had learned to completely disregard his need for help.  His last text to me was at 10:54 p.m. I didn't text him back until 20 minutes later.  It was too late. He was gone. In an instant he took own life and changed mine forever.

The next few days were confusing. It was like I knew what had happened but I couldn't grasp it. I could hear what people were saying but I couldn't process it. When it was just myself and Aubrey at home, I would stand in front of my kitchen window and look out with absolutely no thoughts crossing my mind.  His family came to town and I just went through the process with them that I knew I should do.  Russ had given me all of the information that would be needed to carry out his last wishes and I passed those on but it was still like I was on autopilot, just going through the motions.

Two weeks later and I'm still trying to get a handle on what has happened.  I understand he is gone but I still struggle with the void that has been created.  I think of my life long term and I wonder what these five years will mean to me when I have 80 or 90 years to take into consideration.  I feel that I will never completely get over it.  I will always think of him.  I will always wonder what his life could have been like. I will think of him when I am old and the riot we could have still been having.  I know he would be nudging me to "go make friends" if he saw a pretty girl in a bar.  I will think of the happiness he could have had if he just given life more of a chance.

I don't blame myself for his death.  It was his decision to pull that trigger, not mine.  I will always regret not taking every threat serious though.  I will take notice of other's thoughts and feelings more and realize how impactful my worlds, or lack of worlds can be. I can't change what has happened but I can put the world on notice and plead with you that if someone is asking for help and threatning to harm themselves, listen to them.  Don't brush it off.  My life will forever be changed by this tragic even that could have easily been prevented.

I called this part 1 because I know this will be a process that I will more than likely feel the need to write about again. The ups, the downs, the need for closure will all come with time. 

Spartan Ready

Last October, my co-workers and I signed up for a Spartan Race in Kalispell, MT. The race was 7 months away but we wanted to commit early and train hard for it. Spartan Races are obstacle races that take place on rugged terrain all over the U.S. This particular race that we signed up for is a little over five miles with 24 obstacles. While 5 miles not be a huge deal on a treadmill, running through steep mountainous terrain while doing obstacles that include boulder carries, spear throwing, and log hurdles is pretty intense. Not to mention that if you fail an obstacle, you must complete 30 burpees. We convinced our husbands to jump on board with us and make it a group effort. The first month, we trained pretty hard. We went to the track and set up rope climbs to test our limits. Then winter came and we started slacking. Then I got pregnant. I completely stopped working out other than a few short runs and then team kind of fell into the rut with me. Other than Seth of course. He was able to keep up with his running. Then I lost the baby and I got back on track almost immediately. I have found that I have a tendency to throw myself into projects after I lose a baby to give myself something to focus on. I cleaned up my diet and started a workout routine. Now, two months later and twenty-five pounds lighter, I'm ready to hit that race and show myself what I've worked so hard for. I'm ready to let all of my emotions out. I'm ready to let everything go that has happened since I signed up in October.  I'm ready to run for those who can't. I'm ready to dig deep and feel that sense of accomplishment. I'm ready to have that metal in my hands. I'm so ready for this!

Crushed, again.

On December 22 that magical moment happened for Seth and I once again. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. The only thing different was, we weren't trying to have a baby. We were actually waiting to hear back from our insurance on what would or would not be covered for IVF. We were just in a holding pattern and not thinking about getting pregnant naturally at all. We had completely given up on that option. We knew it was best to do IVF with extra genetic testing to rule out any chromosome abnormalities. We were also under the impression, at that point, that I was not ovulating hence the need for fertility meds in the previous pregnancy. You know what they say though, once you stop trying is when it happens. I knew I had been feeling a little nauseous and having very vivid dreams but figured it was all mind tricks. I even ordered the test on Amazon and waited the few days to get it instead of rushing to the store to buy one. Sure enough, I was pregnant with no help from a doctor and right at Christmas time. I was so nervous to tell anyone. I knew what the risk was. I knew that if it was a boy and had the same genetic deletion that I did, he would have severe physical and mental problems and not live to be very old. I knew that my family and friends knew that too. I was suddenly stricken with what felt like maybe I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I immediately made contact with my entire team of doctors. I started taking daily injections of blood thinners the next day. Blood clots were the only reason anyone had ever been able to find for a possible reason for my previous miscarriages. I expected it to be cure all of my miscarriage problems and so did the doctors. So now that I had that taken care of that, I would just have to wait until I was far enough along to genetically test the baby. 

Christmas came and went and I was secretly the happiest non-wine drinker that Christmas has ever seen. I was having a baby and by that time next year we would be opening presents with another child. Aubrey was finally going to have someone to share her Christmas mornings with that was on her level. I played it out in my head and imagined every detail down to their matching pajamas. 

Four days after Christmas we got the approval letter from insurance for IVF. Of course we did. I figured it was a good reassurance for baby #3, in the future.

I started my routine doctor visits which were every two weeks. At six weeks you can see a baby on an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat. Just a little blip on the screen but it was there. I watched it grow week by week and saw arms and legs develop. I saw fingers form and little toes sprout. I saw it jumping around and pushing off my belly. It was amazing to see this little blip to grow into a child, our child. 

My blood test were all normal except my progesterone which started dropping early in pregnancy. It is remedied by taking supplemental progesterone which is very expensive and had to be overnighted from a pharmacy in New Jersey. Right away, it made me go from a normal feeling pregnant person to vomiting, tired uncomfortable human. I have never had so much morning sickness and let me remind you, this was my sixth pregnancy. I could not get away from it. The doctor suggested Unisom and b-6 but that didn't begin to take the edge off of monster that had become my stomach. I seriously did not care though. I could get sick and carry on with my business like no other. I thought of it as a mere annoyance in this miracle that was taking place within me. Aubrey probably got quite tired of hearing me in the bathroom though. Poor girl had to listen to it day and night. 

The time finally came for a chorionic villus sampling (CVS). It would be the test to see if the baby had any genetic abnormalities. Seth and I traveled to Fargo to meet with the only Maternal - Fetal Medicine specialist in the State. He's the guy that knows everything about everything regarding pregnancy.  He did the CVS without any problems and I watched him, via ultrasound screen, insert a needle into my abdomen, through my uterus and right onto the placenta. He took a small sampling of cells and got out of there. I could see the baby and I could see him collecting cells from the placenta. It was all very technical and, for a moment, stressful.  Within 5 days, we had the results from Mayo Clinic - NORMAL! Our baby was completely normal. Normal and a girl! Aubrey was having a sister. It was the news everyone was holding their breath for. I got the call at work and my boss and I hugged she shared in my joy. This baby was impacting everyone, not just Seth and I. I spent the next 30 minutes calling everyone that needed to know. I'm  pretty sure Jeanie burst into tears in the grocery store, but I'm not sure. This was it, this was the real deal. A healthy baby girl was going to be born to a healthy mother. I felt like I had finally gotten that break. Finally, this was our big win after 5 long years of wondering when it was finally going to be our turn. This was our moment. 

Shortly after that, I came off the progesterone and returned to my normal -but pregnant- self. I was starting to show and started wearing maternity clothes. Seth didn't yet want to share the news on Facebook but believe me, if you saw me, you knew. I didn't want to hide it, I wanted the world to know. I started planning for the future. Work schedules and a nursery. Specifically, how I was going to afford all of the Pottery Barn furniture and decor I had sitting in my online cart. I mean there would be no spared expense for this child. I wanted everything to be just the way I had always imagined because in reality I knew this would probably be my last one. I knew it would difficult to have a baby and Aubrey and that it might be the last time I felt up for the challenge. 

I was out of my first trimester and starting regular OB visits in Minot. See that's the good stuff, regular stuff. When you've had so many complications and obstacles and you can finally relax and see a "regular" doctor just like all of the other millions of pregnant women in the world. 

I went in for my visit and did the routine paperwork and labs and exam. Then there it was, "I can't find a heartbeat." Those words that I have heard over and over and over again. The baby had no heartbeat. I didn't even cry. I hit the table with my fist. I was so mad. I could not believe it. Not again. This was just not fair. I was hot and sweaty and I did not want to call Seth. The doctor tried to hold my hand and console me but I didn't need consoling, I needed answers. I needed to just be pissed off at the world for a second. I got dressed and got my tone somewhat in check and called Seth. I was so relieved when he sounded more mad than I was. Of course that anger turned into mush the moment he saw his mother. I had to stay and go through the typical detailed ultrasound and scheduling process before going home. I was scheduled for surgery to safely remove the baby two days later, which was this morning. 

The procedure went fine and I am now home resting. My anger has turned into grief and I am just beginning the process of healing. I will never know what happened to my baby girl, Elizabeth. I have been through every test, been on every medication and tried everything known to any doctor out there. I do not know what the future holds for us but I do know that every single day that I look at Aubrey I am reminded of what a miracle she really is. She made it. She weathered all of the odds. She has her own issues and still made it into this world. She has defied all statistics and is living proof that miracles really do exist. One miracle in life should be enough for anyone. 

               Baby Elizabeth 2-10-16