How Does This Even Work

As I approach 18 weeks, this pregnancy is starting to get real. I am just settling into the idea that it's likely that I'm actually going to have a baby and not just be pregnant. What the heck. We just got back from a small vacation and while we were there so many emotions and questions hit me. How is this even going to work? Aubrey demands so much of my attention, how am I going to have enough of me to give to another child. Will she love the baby. Is it fair to her. Am I physically capable of handling both a baby and Aubrey. I honestly don't know the answer to any of those. What will happen to the peaceful environment we have created for Aubrey. Will she go with the flow or will she be tormented by the change. What will the first few years be like. I will have a solid plan in place to keep the baby and Aubrey separated to avoid dangerous situations but what about her daily routine, her comfort zones, her ability to roam freely, and what in the world will we do about sleep. How will I carry them both around, literally carry them. How will I calm Aubrey in a fit of anger with a baby in my arms. How will I separate them in a vehicle. How will I keep Aubrey out of the baby's room. 

These are all normal questions for any family. Normal concerns for any only child who is about to have their world shaken. Why do I feel such fear then. Likely, because I know the struggles I had with Aubrey. I know the effort it took. I know the sleepless years, the long days, the contempling every single move we should make. I know that reality. What I don't know is the usual stuff. I don't know what it's like to wake up just to feed a baby and not already have one eye open to make sure she's breathing. I don't know what it's like to be exhausted when you bring the baby home from the hospital instead of having been resting for two weeks while she's in the NICU. I don't know what it's like to post videos because milestones are being reached early. I don't know what it's like hearing first words or dreaming about athletic futures. I don't know those things. All I know is fear and uncertainty with a child. I want so badly to believe everything with be smooth sailing, that we will glide through this transition in welcoming our new baby boy. I want to believe that it's really that easy. There's no way to know though. We will bring him home and hold our breath. I will be sleeping with one eye open because Aubrey will be sleeping next to me and I will be terrified the baby's cries will wake her up. It's all getting so real. After all of the sadness of loss and devastation of thinking it would never happen, the reality is taking hold and I just hope that it works for me and for the little girl that I wanted so badly to have little brother.  

One Last Rodeo

My co-worker got a text last night asking if I'm pregnant. I guess putting on a extra weight is indicative of being pregnant. Good thing I am, or that would have been really awkward. That's right, we decided to give it one more shot. One more hopeful prayer that we can have a baby. It's pregnancy number seven and enough is enough. I'm currently 10 weeks and there are already some concerns. I have a small hemorrhage and three cyst in my uterus. The baby looks great though. During my ultrasound sound Friday, it was dancing as much as one inch nugget can dance. This actually all came as a surprise, after a failed attempt with fertility meds a few months ago. I didn't know for a few weeks and was not prepared when I figured it out. Being on the eve of a gigantic trial, I kept it a secret from everyone other than Seth and my co-worker Sam. I didn't really want everyone's opinion on me being 7 weeks and working literally 90 hours a week. It's not a good time for me to consider slowing down right now with the law office bursting at the seams with new cases and the start of farming season right around the corner, but that's how it goes.
So this is it, our one last rodeo in the world of pregnancy. If it doesn't go well, it doesn't mean we won't try other options, but I'm burnt out on first trimesters, weekly doctors appointments and being heartbroken with no no answers. If I have a beautiful baby in 30 weeks, all of these struggles will be long forgotten. We will keep our fingers crossed and our expectations light.
Update 5-17-17:  It's a boy! We did some genetic testing because even if I were to have a healthy pregnancy, there's a 50/50 chance that a boy would have the same X deletion I have and that would be bad news. I had convinced myself that I couldn't have a boy.  Out of 7 babies, this is the first boy. Now, after getting that news, we had to wait several more days to get all of the results back to know if it did or did not have the deletion. A lot of planning and processing came in those three days. I got the call on Monday, everything is normal! What the heck is happening?!?!! I'm having a little boy! I have been so set in my mind that it was impossible for so long. A little boy to protect and watch over our precious little girl. My heart is so full with hope and joy. Now, this doesn't change anything with the possibility of miscarriage but it makes me so hopeful that maybe this time is really for real. Stay tuned........
Update 6-30-17: I had my 20 week anatomy ultrasound today and everything looks perfect! My pregnancy has been going well and there are no signs of complications. I'm honestly feeling great. I forgot how easy the second trimester was. I get a little tired in the afternoons but that's all. Now, of course there is still all of the anxiety I shared in my other blog post, but my pregnancy itself is going really smoothly. We've decided to start ordering a few necessities and are slowly changing our mindsets from expecting the worst to expecting the best. I have discussed somewhat of a plan for birth with my primary OB and the baby will not be born in Williston - it's just not the place for me. We will have to consult more with the perinatologist in August to decide if I will have the baby in Bismarck or Fargo. Either would be fine with us, we'd travel anywhere to ensure the best care. I would start care at the planned delivery location at about 30 weeks and be induced at week 38-39. Anyone who knows me, knows that's not an ideal plan for me. I love the idea of a completely natural birth in my living room with soothing music and dim lights. I had to set those thoughts aside with Aubrey and I'm more than willing to set them aside again with safety in mind. My routine appointments have gone to every four weeks now that I can feel baby tumbling around. Best feeling ever! 

Update 9-19-17
Things aren’t “perfect” like I thought they were at 20 weeks. I’m now 31 weeks and we know that there is Fetal Growth Restriction. What the heck, a small baby? What will I even do with a tiny kid? I’m so accustomed to lugging around a 4’7” 80 pound kid, that has always been off the charts. The abdomen is consistently measuring below the 10th percentile which means I’m having ultrasounds every two weeks to monitor. Of course, there seems to be no real rhyme or reason for it, blood flow looks good. I’ve had three ultrasounds now, by three different techs and it’s definitely small. We met again with our Maternal Fetal Specialist today and things are staying constant, which is the best it can be, if it’s going to remain abnormal. I have scheduled a date to be induced and hope that I can make it until then to let baby grow and develop for as long as possible. He will be born in Fargo at the new hospital to ensure we have everything available that myself or baby could possibly need.
I’m beginning to require more rest and can’t seem to manage on 4 hours of sleep anymore. I have scheduled my last day of work to be two weeks before my induction date to give me some time to rest before the birth. The nursery is coming together and all of the furniture is in place. Aubrey has taken to the baby bed and likes to spend time watching her iPad in it. I’m not sure Alexander want to take to Bubble Guppies so early in life, but he may not have a choice.

Update 10-15-17

35 weeks. Hold on little buddy, we are so close to seeing this thing through.  The ultrasound at week 32 told us that not only is the abdomen small, but so is the femur.  Really small.  It was measuring in the 1 percentile.  The next one told us that the abdomen was falling on the chart even more, 4th percentile.  Now I'm having weekly Doppler scans to check the blood flow through the cord and to check the amniotic fluid.  Blood flow still looks good, amniotic fluid is getting low.  When they test for this, they look to see the largest pocket of fluid around the baby.  The lower limit is 2 centimeters.  The largest they could find last week was 2.1 centimeters.  The baby is still active and his heart rate is still looking really good though.  I will meet with the perinatologist again on Tuesday and we will see what his thoughts are.  I am thinking not much will change as long as nothing gets any worse.  We just want to let this baby keep growing and developing in a safe environment - as long as the womb is still safe.  Just a few more weeks and a very tiny little baby will be here. 😊

Aubrey has been kind of all over the place with meds and some behaviors.  I completely take back what I said in my last update.  I can totally still function on 4 hours of sleep.  That was just a rare blip of thinking I don't have superhuman capabilities.  hahaha.

Update 10-17-17

New developments today!  We had the growth scan today with the perinatologist and everything is on the upswing!  In the past two weeks our little guy has put on 1.5 lbs, going from 3 lbs 10 oz to 5 lbs.  Way to go chunky monkey.  The femur went from the 1st percentile to the 16th percentile and the the abdomen went from the 4th percentile to the 19th.  Also, all of the pockets of amniotic fluid that they measured were all over 2 cm with the largest being 4.6 cm.  That's an upgrade just within the past four days.  All of this is an amazing turn in progress and I am beyond elated to have good news.  I am so appreciative of all of the prayers and well wishes this baby has been given.  I am still on track to be induced on November 20th in Fargo.  I will continue doing weekly visits and Doppler scans to ensure good blood flow through the cord along with non-stress tests.  I change blood thinners next week in preparation for birth.  I feel like I'm ready for this and with the good news today, there is a new calm over the situation.  The doctor still suggested that I relocate to Fargo a week or two before my due date, which is just not possible with Aubrey.  I will handle that as time gets closer though and have promised her that she will be with her mommy when baby comes.  Thank you again for all of the support and I look forward to more positive updates as the world awaits the arrival of baby Alexander.

Update 11-9-17

I'm so ready to have this baby.  His abdomen and femur are measuring small again, both around the 3rd percentile.  He's estimated to weigh 6 lbs though.  The Dopplers look good and all of the non-stress tests have been normal.  At this point, they will not change anything and I'm still set to be induced on November 20th.  Hematology can't get my levels stabilized now that I've switched to heparin and I've gotten cellulitus in my belly, so I'm on antibiotics for that.  My blood pressure is running high too.  No real surprise there. I'm so ready to stop worrying about this pregnancy.  I think it's much easier to worry about a baby that I can see, than one I can't.  I have one more regular visit and ultrasound and then we head to Fargo to meet our little nugget.  I'm so very ready to not be pregnant ever again. 

Nygaard 2016 Christmas Letter

What a year for our little family.  It has been a rollercoaster year and we just held on and hoped for the best.  We have had ups, downs, twist, turns and not a dull moment in between.  

We have had three major loses this year with our unborn baby, our dearest friend Russ, and Grandma Norma.  We hold those loved ones in our heart and we think of them daily.  I have written a lot about the loss of the first two because I was so heartbroken and my blog has been a great help to mend my soul.  

Aubrey entered into second grade this year and has become an expert at using a communication app on her iPad to communicate with everyone around her.  Her advanced spelling has really become apparent and helps her express her thoughts to the world.  She is adjusting well to her new meds for her epilepsy and has had no negative side effects. She recently participated in the annual Christmas concert at school where she was was able to stand and jingle along with the other students.  We were so proud and she gave Santa's beard a little tug in the middle of the show just to show some extra spirit.  

Work has been extremely busy for me this year with major transitions in the office.  We moved into a new location in Crosby in the Spring and Liz' family transitioned to Kalispell, MT in the fall.  Liz is still back and forth and will be expanding the business with a second office early next year.  The oil and gas work has slowed significantly in Divide County so I have had the opportunity to be a much more diverse paralegal.  

Seth is still with Hess and his job is still quite stable.  There has been some reorganization within the company but his position remains unchanged.  He is becoming quite the farmer though and his time is split almost evenly between the two for most of the year.

Aubrey's paraprofessional from school continued to work with Aubrey over the summer, which allowed me to work continuously through the summer and not take time off like I have in the past. That worked out well because in August we had a Federal Trial in Bismarck that took weeks of preparation and hours upon hours of testimony.  We do not yet know the outcome but my fingers our crossed that our client prevails.  

Harvest went well this year and there were no major issues.  Lots of long days driving in circles.  I enjoy (almost) every minute of it and love when Aubrey can be out and be in the field with me.  

We hosted an Engagement Party for Seth's cousin Lindsay and her fiancé Eric in July at our home.  We also had Russ' family and my parents visit in July.  Busy month!

Tyler moved to Houston in the fall and is working with a great company, Lindsey Lighting. He loves the area and is doing well.  He and his girlfriend, Blake, adopted a puppy and have settled into a nice life there. 

Drew is a senior at Ole Miss and is majoring in accounting.  He intends on completing graduate school there as well.  He is still working part time for JCG in Oxford.  He is not yet sure what he'd like to do after he graduates but one thing is for sure, he has the mind to do whatever he desires.

Ray and Jeanie still love their new neighbors (us) and even still invite us over for dinner from time to time. :). Jeanie was just elected Chairman of the St. Luke's Hospital Foundation further proving that  her retirement is not a real thing.  Ray is still working like a young man but traveled to Branson on a bus this winter.  Seems like a very retirement-esque thing to me.  

Things have slowed down a bit for us since November and we have been able to take a moment to soak it all in. 

We felt we'd had enough commotion for the year though so we are spending Christmas on the beach in Hawaii!  We are currently on the plane to Vegas and will leave for Maui tomorrow.  After a day in Maui we will take the ferry over to Lanai.  Marsha and my dad will join us in Lanai. I plan on sailing peacefully through the holidays next to the ocean, without a care in this world.  

I hope to see more of my family and friends next year, especially little Bryce, who we did not see this year.  He welcomed a new baby sister this year with his family in Pennsylvania.  

We hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas and a happy New Year!  Aloha. 

Only the Good Die Young (Part 2)

It has now been three and a half months since Russ took his life.  For me it's been three and a half months of therapy, sleeping medication, anti-depressants, and a whole lot of thinking about life. The meaning of life, what I'd like to accomplish in my life and so on. For me, those thoughts could go on forever.  I could ponder those type thoughts for days on end to search for a conclusion.  I am drawn to thinking about questions that can drive you crazy because there is really no answer.  I have literally spent months pondering deeply emotional substance in my own life.  I have taken my own self through a process of self discovery.  It has been a process of absorbing a tragedy and not trying to fix it.  I have learned about accepting what happened and letting it become part of my story and not letting it be something I need to "get over" or "find closure" with.  I've learned that I didn't have a choice in the matter.  It was his choice.  I was merely a friend.  He was lost and there was nothing I could have done to bring him into the light.  I honestly believe that.  I honestly, know with all of my heart that I tried. It's not just something that I tell myself to feel better.  I gave him an extraordinary friendship.  In the end its was not enough for him.  Nor should I expect it to be.  He needed serious mental help and that's not something I was capable of offering.  Certainly, I suggested that he should seek help, but that was his option, not mine.  I am still sad that he was so lost but I also know that he probably is too.  Nothing I can do to bring him back.  Nothing he can do to come back.  I sometimes think I can feel his presence, I sometimes think that I just find comfort in that thought.  Sometimes I think that if dead people were floating around everywhere, that would be a lot of dead people hanging out.  Maybe he just lives in my mind. I'll never really know.  I appreciate the time we spent together and I embrace the memories.  Russ deserves a place in my life story, but I deserve to visit that story at my own leisure.  

What's New With Aubrey

In August we took Aubrey to see her neurologist in Fargo.  We suspected that she may be having short little seizures.  Turns out she is.  Many of them, every day.  She isn't convulsing.  Her eyes were just rolling back in her head and she was losing her balance.  She had to make it through a 45 minute EEG followed by a lengthy meeting with the doctor.  Ok.... right..... let's place about 30 electrodes to Aubrey's head and monitor her for 45 minutes, I'm sure she'll be patient through that. Yeah...... that was interesting.  I think the tech was ready to call it a day after that was over.  The neurologist was very informative regarding the findings though.  She explained that Aubrey is having very frequent abnormal surges in her brain.  This would create many daily issues like inability to focus on tasks.  We had several options for medications but they were all very likely to side effects. We decided to start with Keppra.  Side effect was increased irritability and behavior issues.  First week on meds was also the first week of school. Awesome combination.  After a few weeks of screaming, biting, intolerable ear pain and what seemed to be a general discomfort with everything in life, we decided to call it quits with Keppra.  Next on the list was Trileptal.  Big side effect was that it could make the seizures worse.  Check.  More eyes rolling, stumbling, and even mild convulsions.  Now, she has started Lamictal.  It's the last option in my opinion.  The other two meds on the market for children will not work because Aubrey only has one kidney and because she is female.  Most likely side effect for this one is extreme skin rashes.  No sign of that so far.  Maybe we have found her match. Maybe not.  Maybe she is nearing some sort of relief through medication, maybe not.  It's impossible to know. It's impossible to know if we are doing the right thing or if she feels more stable with medications for her epilepsy.  As if she didn't have enough going on, now epilepsy with a shot in the dark at medications has been added to her plate.  Seems so unbelievably unfair sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't though. Sometimes I have to consider all of the things that go right for her.  I have to consider the amazing care that she had over the summer from Jeri, who pointed out the occurrences that led us to the doctor.  I have to think of all of the freedom she had over the summer to swim and play and learn.  I have to consider the patient staff she had from school to make a summer school program for her.  I have to think of the willingness of a small cafe in town that allowed her to come in and work with her speech therapist every day to learn appropriate interactions in public.  I have to consider the neurologist that was willing to take us into her personal office to show us what she saw on her computer when looking at Aubrey's EEG.  I have to consider her aids that are willing to take the time to write down every single time she has a seizure throughout the day, so that I can make an assessment on progress. I have to consider the State who funds these medical trips.  I have to consider the positive attitude that Aubrey is always able to come up with even after everything that she goes through.  I have to consider everything that goes the right way, when a few things go wrong.  

Only the Good Die Young (part 1)

Today is two weeks since it happened. Two weeks since his pain was gone. Two weeks since he left us. Two weeks since my heart was ripped open.  Suicide is an odd thing to grapple with.  As a society, we do seem to be able to deal with death pretty easily.  It happens to everyone at some point. We do seem to put a lot of focus on the cause of death though and the actual loss seems to get lost in the shuffle. If someone dies from old age, it's sad. If a middle aged person dies in a car accident, it's sadder.  If a young person takes their own life, we literally lose our minds.  The thing about suicide is that we are able to question the reason, the planning, the unaccounted for pieces of the puzzle. We are able to search for the signs we missed and the conversations we took for granted.  We are able to place blame on something or someone. In this particular case, we all missed missed everything he was telling us.  We all failed him.  There is no one thing to blame, no one conversation overlooked.  He reached out for help to many of us and we were either too busy, too desensitized, too indifferent to his cries for help.

I met Russ in Las Vegas.  The first night I met him, Seth and I went out with him and his girlfriend at the time.  A few weeks later, myself, Seth and Russ went out for Halloween.  I was trying to set him up with one of my friends but they never quite got around to chatting.  It was one of the most fun nights I had had in years.   He was so free spirited and at that time, my life had been a constant cycle of work and extreme difficulties with Aubrey.  He was a breath of fresh air.  He was the exact type friend I needed in my life at that exact moment.  After a few months, I came to know a person who was much different than the fun loving free spirit I thought he was.  He would go through periods of deep depression and spoke of taking his own life as if it were a task he was certain to complete. He often called late at night after he had been drinking and ask me to come be with him.  He just needed someone to talk to and I was happy to be there for him.  Over the years, he became the only friend I really talked to about things going on in my life.  Of course, I still confided in Seth but sometimes when a couple is going through a loss of a child or things of that nature, they need an outside friend, Russ was that person for me. He knew how it felt to be really sad and to feel lost in life, and that how I felt sometimes.  He just got me. He got my fun, wild side, he got my sad side, he got my overbearing, demanding side.  He just got it.  He knew my ways and he didn't judge me. Those type friends don't come along very often.  I knew I was lucky to have him.  He knew he was lucky to have me too. He would tell me how much he appreciated my friendship and ask me why I would put up with him.  I really couldn't answer that but I knew we would be lost without each other. He and Seth were still buddies too. They golfed and hung out all the time.  He was pretty much part of our family.

When I left Vegas and moved to North Dakota, I thought I'd never see him again.  I left in June and by September, he was up here for a visit, the next January I went down to see him and by the next June, he got a job with Seth and moved up to North Dakota.  The trio was reunited! At first, he seemed happier.  He had things together and was more stable.  It didn't take too long for the dark side to come out again though.  The drinking always brought it out.  At some point, I became immune to it.  I would no longer run to be by his side. I would ask him to stop making threats because I knew he would never carry them out. I felt it was more of a cry for attention than a cry for help.  I thought he thought he could demand my attention by using his same old lines of self harm.  I felt that I had too much going on in my own life to  worry with his issues.  I would demand that he seek professional help and state that he needed medication.  He started making comments to his guy friends about committing suicide, to include Seth.  I think Seth was insensitive to it at that point because he had an idea of what Russ had been saying to me for almost five years.  Everyone pretty much just played it off.

The last night of his life, he was all over the place in our conversation.  He told me that he didn't want to bring me down with him anymore, he begged me to play Risk with him, he sent me screen shots of the text he was sending to girls, he told me he had his "shotty" close by, he cried out for help over and over and over again and I missed all of it.  Either because I wasn't paying attention or because I had learned to completely disregard his need for help.  His last text to me was at 10:54 p.m. I didn't text him back until 20 minutes later.  It was too late. He was gone. In an instant he took own life and changed mine forever.

The next few days were confusing. It was like I knew what had happened but I couldn't grasp it. I could hear what people were saying but I couldn't process it. When it was just myself and Aubrey at home, I would stand in front of my kitchen window and look out with absolutely no thoughts crossing my mind.  His family came to town and I just went through the process with them that I knew I should do.  Russ had given me all of the information that would be needed to carry out his last wishes and I passed those on but it was still like I was on autopilot, just going through the motions.

Two weeks later and I'm still trying to get a handle on what has happened.  I understand he is gone but I still struggle with the void that has been created.  I think of my life long term and I wonder what these five years will mean to me when I have 80 or 90 years to take into consideration.  I feel that I will never completely get over it.  I will always think of him.  I will always wonder what his life could have been like. I will think of him when I am old and the riot we could have still been having.  I know he would be nudging me to "go make friends" if he saw a pretty girl in a bar.  I will think of the happiness he could have had if he just given life more of a chance.

I don't blame myself for his death.  It was his decision to pull that trigger, not mine.  I will always regret not taking every threat serious though.  I will take notice of other's thoughts and feelings more and realize how impactful my worlds, or lack of worlds can be. I can't change what has happened but I can put the world on notice and plead with you that if someone is asking for help and threatning to harm themselves, listen to them.  Don't brush it off.  My life will forever be changed by this tragic even that could have easily been prevented.

I called this part 1 because I know this will be a process that I will more than likely feel the need to write about again. The ups, the downs, the need for closure will all come with time. 

Spartan Ready

Last October, my co-workers and I signed up for a Spartan Race in Kalispell, MT. The race was 7 months away but we wanted to commit early and train hard for it. Spartan Races are obstacle races that take place on rugged terrain all over the U.S. This particular race that we signed up for is a little over five miles with 24 obstacles. While 5 miles not be a huge deal on a treadmill, running through steep mountainous terrain while doing obstacles that include boulder carries, spear throwing, and log hurdles is pretty intense. Not to mention that if you fail an obstacle, you must complete 30 burpees. We convinced our husbands to jump on board with us and make it a group effort. The first month, we trained pretty hard. We went to the track and set up rope climbs to test our limits. Then winter came and we started slacking. Then I got pregnant. I completely stopped working out other than a few short runs and then team kind of fell into the rut with me. Other than Seth of course. He was able to keep up with his running. Then I lost the baby and I got back on track almost immediately. I have found that I have a tendency to throw myself into projects after I lose a baby to give myself something to focus on. I cleaned up my diet and started a workout routine. Now, two months later and twenty-five pounds lighter, I'm ready to hit that race and show myself what I've worked so hard for. I'm ready to let all of my emotions out. I'm ready to let everything go that has happened since I signed up in October.  I'm ready to run for those who can't. I'm ready to dig deep and feel that sense of accomplishment. I'm ready to have that metal in my hands. I'm so ready for this!