On Wednesday Seth and I celebrated our 10th Anniversary. On the same day, I had a pre-op for a salpingectomy. Ironic timing, I know. On the 11th of this month I will literally remove any future chances of me carrying another child. It should be a fairly easy surgery with only a few days recovery time. After more than 10 years of considering, stressing about and experiencing pregnancy, that chapter of my life will close.
A few months ago I wrote about a difficult day with Aubrey traveling for a doctor appointment in Minneapolis. It was an extremely confusing and horrific day for her and all I could do was try to physically remove her from public as quickly as possible. It was just the two of us traveling and Aubrey weighs 85 pounds, plus we had two bags with. To complicate the situation even more, I was six weeks pregnant. That information was purposefully withheld from everyone other than Seth at the time because I was so early in the pregnancy and I felt there was no need to even discuss it. The real issue for me came on the day that Aubrey and I left Minneapolis and headed back to North Dakota. Aubrey was still was not feeling great and just didn't have the strength to walk independently through the airport. This time I was able to secure a wheelchair instead of carrying her, which quickly became necessary because I miscarried the baby. So there we were, just Aubrey and I, in the middle of the Minneapolis Airport and I'm losing a baby. Talk about a mental overload. I called the doctor's office to schedule an appointment right away the next day, but by then it was pretty much all over. By the time we landed in Minot, my mind was made up. When I visited with the doctor, I was going to tell her my desires to have another child were gone. I was not going to put myself or Aubrey or Seth or now Alexander through this again. As much as I believe it is important to have siblings, I also knew that after my 8th pregnancy, my body and mind were done. I have tried and tried and tried and having a big family is not something I am capable of giving Aubrey. Giving Alexander a typical sibling to grow up with is something I have now realized is also extremely important, but I have also come to the realization that it is just not something I am capable of.
I was unsure of what the doctor would say. I knew my options would be extremely limited because of my blood clotting disorder, but as we went over possibilities, I knew right away that salpinectomy is what I wanted. I wanted to have my tubes completely removed. I wanted this roller coaster ride to come to an end. I have two amazing children, I have devoted my life to their well being and I will just have to find a way to make up for all of the brothers and sisters I cannot give them.
I am looking forward to a life that doesn't include morning sickness, extreme fatigue and countless hours in appointments. I will happily use that time to read books to Aubrey and Alexander, review Spanish lessons for fun with Aubrey, push trucks around with Alexander, continue my education and feel like a normal person. A normal person who goes out to dinner more than they go in for an ultrasound.
