Casey

This week I was faced with the news that another dear friend had taken his own life.  It came via text from his old girlfriend.  As soon as I got the text I knew she was going to tell me he was gone.  What I didn't expect is that she was going to tell me that he took his own life.  I even wrote back "are you sure?"  It didn't seem possible to me.  I had talked to him on Monday and this was Thursday morning.  I should have realized something was wrong since I hadn't received 100 Snaps from him since Monday, but I just didn't think of it.  How could things have turned so dark so soon.  Casey liked to consider himself one of my biggest fans in life.  Always trying to be supportive of my goals, always offering compliments to my achievements, just always a good friend.  He was so happy that Alexander was healthy and doing well.  He was checking in on me often and needed to know that I was okay.  He cared so much for others, but didn't care enough about himself.  He loved to read my blogs and always encouraged me to write a book.  I wonder what he would think about me having to write a post about his death.  I wish it weren't the case, but it is.

This is now the third close friend that I have had take their own life.  Danielle, Russ and Casey.  All three broke my heart but when I think of how heartbroken they must have been in those last moments, I know mine pales in comparison.  I wish I could take it back for each of them, but I can't.  I wish I had somehow intervened but I didn't.  I have a very small group of friends that I consider close friends and it has been cut nearly in half by suicide.  I could write about how you should seek help if you are contemplating suicide or how there's help available if you are feeling low, but I feel like everyone knows that.  What I want my message to be is, take a minute to consider how people feel after you take your own life.  Take a second to realize that you may be hurting, but imagine how your mother is going to feel when she gets that call.  If I have any other friends going down that dark road, seek help and don't leave us all here with regrets and sadness.

If Casey had considered that I would spend nights rocking Alexander and sobbing over the fact that he is gone, would he want to do that to me, absolutely not.  If he had considered the amount of strength his mother would have to muster to sort through his personal affairs, would he want to place that on her, I'd like to think not.  Maybe you cannot think through those processes though when your mind is made up that you do not want to live, maybe none of that comes to mind.  Take the time to know it now though.  Take the time to realize how you impact others.

Everyone will have their stories of Casey.  How he was the life of the party, how much fun he was and so outgoing.  People will think about how they first met or their last encounter.  I will think of the countless articles he sent on cures or new research on autism.  I will think of how he loved to hear about trials or other interesting work I was doing.  I will think of how he needed to know how I was adjusting to having a new baby how he recognized my joy.  He cared so much about so many things in my life but failed to realize how equally important his own was.  If I could go back, I would be sure to tell him that.  I would tell him that no matter what someone throws at him, we could find a way to fight it or mitigate the damages.  I would tell him that when his son is older he will be able to make his own decisions and to hold out just a few more years and see if it turns around.  I would tell him that he cannot leave us because we will all be lost without him.  It's too late for all of that now though.  So, instead, I will travel to Little Rock on Wednesday to attend his funeral on Thursday.  I will pay my last respects to another dear friend who left us too soon.  I will cry my eyes out and search for some sort of closure.  I hope that you were able to find peace Casey and I now hope you know that I will miss you forever and always.

Update: Studies show that an average of 20 veterans commit suicide each day. Mission 22 is an organization that helps fund groundbreaking treatment for Veterans with traumatic brain injury and post traumatic stress. During Casey’s funeral, his mother Barbara showed amazing strength and courage by speaking in support of the Mission 22 organization. Her son’s life could have been saved by receiving the type treatment this organization funds. I, along with many others, have donated in memory of Casey Ham. Please take time to do the same.