As I approach 18 weeks, this pregnancy is starting to get real. I am just settling into the idea that it's likely that I'm actually going to have a baby and not just be pregnant. What the heck. We just got back from a small vacation and while we were there so many emotions and questions hit me. How is this even going to work? Aubrey demands so much of my attention, how am I going to have enough of me to give to another child. Will she love the baby. Is it fair to her. Am I physically capable of handling both a baby and Aubrey. I honestly don't know the answer to any of those. What will happen to the peaceful environment we have created for Aubrey. Will she go with the flow or will she be tormented by the change. What will the first few years be like. I will have a solid plan in place to keep the baby and Aubrey separated to avoid dangerous situations but what about her daily routine, her comfort zones, her ability to roam freely, and what in the world will we do about sleep. How will I carry them both around, literally carry them. How will I calm Aubrey in a fit of anger with a baby in my arms. How will I separate them in a vehicle. How will I keep Aubrey out of the baby's room.
These are all normal questions for any family. Normal concerns for any only child who is about to have their world shaken. Why do I feel such fear then. Likely, because I know the struggles I had with Aubrey. I know the effort it took. I know the sleepless years, the long days, the contempling every single move we should make. I know that reality. What I don't know is the usual stuff. I don't know what it's like to wake up just to feed a baby and not already have one eye open to make sure she's breathing. I don't know what it's like to be exhausted when you bring the baby home from the hospital instead of having been resting for two weeks while she's in the NICU. I don't know what it's like to post videos because milestones are being reached early. I don't know what it's like hearing first words or dreaming about athletic futures. I don't know those things. All I know is fear and uncertainty with a child. I want so badly to believe everything with be smooth sailing, that we will glide through this transition in welcoming our new baby boy. I want to believe that it's really that easy. There's no way to know though. We will bring him home and hold our breath. I will be sleeping with one eye open because Aubrey will be sleeping next to me and I will be terrified the baby's cries will wake her up. It's all getting so real. After all of the sadness of loss and devastation of thinking it would never happen, the reality is taking hold and I just hope that it works for me and for the little girl that I wanted so badly to have little brother.
