I met Russ in Las Vegas. The first night I met him, Seth and I went out with him and his girlfriend at the time. A few weeks later, myself, Seth and Russ went out for Halloween. I was trying to set him up with one of my friends but they never quite got around to chatting. It was one of the most fun nights I had had in years. He was so free spirited and at that time, my life had been a constant cycle of work and extreme difficulties with Aubrey. He was a breath of fresh air. He was the exact type friend I needed in my life at that exact moment. After a few months, I came to know a person who was much different than the fun loving free spirit I thought he was. He would go through periods of deep depression and spoke of taking his own life as if it were a task he was certain to complete. He often called late at night after he had been drinking and ask me to come be with him. He just needed someone to talk to and I was happy to be there for him. Over the years, he became the only friend I really talked to about things going on in my life. Of course, I still confided in Seth but sometimes when a couple is going through a loss of a child or things of that nature, they need an outside friend, Russ was that person for me. He knew how it felt to be really sad and to feel lost in life, and that how I felt sometimes. He just got me. He got my fun, wild side, he got my sad side, he got my overbearing, demanding side. He just got it. He knew my ways and he didn't judge me. Those type friends don't come along very often. I knew I was lucky to have him. He knew he was lucky to have me too. He would tell me how much he appreciated my friendship and ask me why I would put up with him. I really couldn't answer that but I knew we would be lost without each other. He and Seth were still buddies too. They golfed and hung out all the time. He was pretty much part of our family.
When I left Vegas and moved to North Dakota, I thought I'd never see him again. I left in June and by September, he was up here for a visit, the next January I went down to see him and by the next June, he got a job with Seth and moved up to North Dakota. The trio was reunited! At first, he seemed happier. He had things together and was more stable. It didn't take too long for the dark side to come out again though. The drinking always brought it out. At some point, I became immune to it. I would no longer run to be by his side. I would ask him to stop making threats because I knew he would never carry them out. I felt it was more of a cry for attention than a cry for help. I thought he thought he could demand my attention by using his same old lines of self harm. I felt that I had too much going on in my own life to worry with his issues. I would demand that he seek professional help and state that he needed medication. He started making comments to his guy friends about committing suicide, to include Seth. I think Seth was insensitive to it at that point because he had an idea of what Russ had been saying to me for almost five years. Everyone pretty much just played it off.
The last night of his life, he was all over the place in our conversation. He told me that he didn't want to bring me down with him anymore, he begged me to play Risk with him, he sent me screen shots of the text he was sending to girls, he told me he had his "shotty" close by, he cried out for help over and over and over again and I missed all of it. Either because I wasn't paying attention or because I had learned to completely disregard his need for help. His last text to me was at 10:54 p.m. I didn't text him back until 20 minutes later. It was too late. He was gone. In an instant he took own life and changed mine forever.
The next few days were confusing. It was like I knew what had happened but I couldn't grasp it. I could hear what people were saying but I couldn't process it. When it was just myself and Aubrey at home, I would stand in front of my kitchen window and look out with absolutely no thoughts crossing my mind. His family came to town and I just went through the process with them that I knew I should do. Russ had given me all of the information that would be needed to carry out his last wishes and I passed those on but it was still like I was on autopilot, just going through the motions.
Two weeks later and I'm still trying to get a handle on what has happened. I understand he is gone but I still struggle with the void that has been created. I think of my life long term and I wonder what these five years will mean to me when I have 80 or 90 years to take into consideration. I feel that I will never completely get over it. I will always think of him. I will always wonder what his life could have been like. I will think of him when I am old and the riot we could have still been having. I know he would be nudging me to "go make friends" if he saw a pretty girl in a bar. I will think of the happiness he could have had if he just given life more of a chance.
I don't blame myself for his death. It was his decision to pull that trigger, not mine. I will always regret not taking every threat serious though. I will take notice of other's thoughts and feelings more and realize how impactful my worlds, or lack of worlds can be. I can't change what has happened but I can put the world on notice and plead with you that if someone is asking for help and threatning to harm themselves, listen to them. Don't brush it off. My life will forever be changed by this tragic even that could have easily been prevented.
I called this part 1 because I know this will be a process that I will more than likely feel the need to write about again. The ups, the downs, the need for closure will all come with time.
