Crushed, again.

On December 22 that magical moment happened for Seth and I once again. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. The only thing different was, we weren't trying to have a baby. We were actually waiting to hear back from our insurance on what would or would not be covered for IVF. We were just in a holding pattern and not thinking about getting pregnant naturally at all. We had completely given up on that option. We knew it was best to do IVF with extra genetic testing to rule out any chromosome abnormalities. We were also under the impression, at that point, that I was not ovulating hence the need for fertility meds in the previous pregnancy. You know what they say though, once you stop trying is when it happens. I knew I had been feeling a little nauseous and having very vivid dreams but figured it was all mind tricks. I even ordered the test on Amazon and waited the few days to get it instead of rushing to the store to buy one. Sure enough, I was pregnant with no help from a doctor and right at Christmas time. I was so nervous to tell anyone. I knew what the risk was. I knew that if it was a boy and had the same genetic deletion that I did, he would have severe physical and mental problems and not live to be very old. I knew that my family and friends knew that too. I was suddenly stricken with what felt like maybe I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I immediately made contact with my entire team of doctors. I started taking daily injections of blood thinners the next day. Blood clots were the only reason anyone had ever been able to find for a possible reason for my previous miscarriages. I expected it to be cure all of my miscarriage problems and so did the doctors. So now that I had that taken care of that, I would just have to wait until I was far enough along to genetically test the baby. 

Christmas came and went and I was secretly the happiest non-wine drinker that Christmas has ever seen. I was having a baby and by that time next year we would be opening presents with another child. Aubrey was finally going to have someone to share her Christmas mornings with that was on her level. I played it out in my head and imagined every detail down to their matching pajamas. 

Four days after Christmas we got the approval letter from insurance for IVF. Of course we did. I figured it was a good reassurance for baby #3, in the future.

I started my routine doctor visits which were every two weeks. At six weeks you can see a baby on an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat. Just a little blip on the screen but it was there. I watched it grow week by week and saw arms and legs develop. I saw fingers form and little toes sprout. I saw it jumping around and pushing off my belly. It was amazing to see this little blip to grow into a child, our child. 

My blood test were all normal except my progesterone which started dropping early in pregnancy. It is remedied by taking supplemental progesterone which is very expensive and had to be overnighted from a pharmacy in New Jersey. Right away, it made me go from a normal feeling pregnant person to vomiting, tired uncomfortable human. I have never had so much morning sickness and let me remind you, this was my sixth pregnancy. I could not get away from it. The doctor suggested Unisom and b-6 but that didn't begin to take the edge off of monster that had become my stomach. I seriously did not care though. I could get sick and carry on with my business like no other. I thought of it as a mere annoyance in this miracle that was taking place within me. Aubrey probably got quite tired of hearing me in the bathroom though. Poor girl had to listen to it day and night. 

The time finally came for a chorionic villus sampling (CVS). It would be the test to see if the baby had any genetic abnormalities. Seth and I traveled to Fargo to meet with the only Maternal - Fetal Medicine specialist in the State. He's the guy that knows everything about everything regarding pregnancy.  He did the CVS without any problems and I watched him, via ultrasound screen, insert a needle into my abdomen, through my uterus and right onto the placenta. He took a small sampling of cells and got out of there. I could see the baby and I could see him collecting cells from the placenta. It was all very technical and, for a moment, stressful.  Within 5 days, we had the results from Mayo Clinic - NORMAL! Our baby was completely normal. Normal and a girl! Aubrey was having a sister. It was the news everyone was holding their breath for. I got the call at work and my boss and I hugged she shared in my joy. This baby was impacting everyone, not just Seth and I. I spent the next 30 minutes calling everyone that needed to know. I'm  pretty sure Jeanie burst into tears in the grocery store, but I'm not sure. This was it, this was the real deal. A healthy baby girl was going to be born to a healthy mother. I felt like I had finally gotten that break. Finally, this was our big win after 5 long years of wondering when it was finally going to be our turn. This was our moment. 

Shortly after that, I came off the progesterone and returned to my normal -but pregnant- self. I was starting to show and started wearing maternity clothes. Seth didn't yet want to share the news on Facebook but believe me, if you saw me, you knew. I didn't want to hide it, I wanted the world to know. I started planning for the future. Work schedules and a nursery. Specifically, how I was going to afford all of the Pottery Barn furniture and decor I had sitting in my online cart. I mean there would be no spared expense for this child. I wanted everything to be just the way I had always imagined because in reality I knew this would probably be my last one. I knew it would difficult to have a baby and Aubrey and that it might be the last time I felt up for the challenge. 

I was out of my first trimester and starting regular OB visits in Minot. See that's the good stuff, regular stuff. When you've had so many complications and obstacles and you can finally relax and see a "regular" doctor just like all of the other millions of pregnant women in the world. 

I went in for my visit and did the routine paperwork and labs and exam. Then there it was, "I can't find a heartbeat." Those words that I have heard over and over and over again. The baby had no heartbeat. I didn't even cry. I hit the table with my fist. I was so mad. I could not believe it. Not again. This was just not fair. I was hot and sweaty and I did not want to call Seth. The doctor tried to hold my hand and console me but I didn't need consoling, I needed answers. I needed to just be pissed off at the world for a second. I got dressed and got my tone somewhat in check and called Seth. I was so relieved when he sounded more mad than I was. Of course that anger turned into mush the moment he saw his mother. I had to stay and go through the typical detailed ultrasound and scheduling process before going home. I was scheduled for surgery to safely remove the baby two days later, which was this morning. 

The procedure went fine and I am now home resting. My anger has turned into grief and I am just beginning the process of healing. I will never know what happened to my baby girl, Elizabeth. I have been through every test, been on every medication and tried everything known to any doctor out there. I do not know what the future holds for us but I do know that every single day that I look at Aubrey I am reminded of what a miracle she really is. She made it. She weathered all of the odds. She has her own issues and still made it into this world. She has defied all statistics and is living proof that miracles really do exist. One miracle in life should be enough for anyone. 

               Baby Elizabeth 2-10-16